SOME films think they merit a whole trilogy, often with instalments lasting three f**king hours. But why waste your time watching them when most can be summed up in a text?
Little lad gets obsessed with jewellery, meets some other little lads. They piss about in the countryside then meet a wealthy dragon. The little shits murder him, have his gold and go home. Also there are goblins.
Fifty Shades of Grey
Lady who doesn’t think she likes getting spanked on the bum finds out she does in fact like getting spanked on the bum, thanks to a rich bastard whose spare room is for weird shagging. After much faffing about and trips to B&Q for more rope and duct tape they eventually fall in love. That was shit.
Satan comes back to earth as a kid and kills Doctor Who. His dad is pissed off with his new dog. Unfortunate incident with a lake. Unfortunate incident with a lift. Unfortunate incident with a baby and an iron. Satan grows up, pulls, dies.
Night at the Museum
All the shit in a museum comes to life. Despite this apparently happening every night, it always results in pure f**king chaos, and everything must be back in its original place by morning. Has something to do with a magic Egyptian tablet. Everything turns out okay.
The Human Centipede
German man studies to become a scientist. Doesn’t do normal science with chemicals or the moon, sews people’s faces onto other people’s arses. Sequels are dead meta, loon watches previous films, sews even more faces to arses. Everything turns out not okay.
Bloke from past with bad skin is repeatedly accidentally brought back to life by Brendan Fraser. Wants to murder humanity, so Brendan has to kill the leathery bastard again. This happens twice in Egypt and once in China. Brendan eats lots of cakes after.
Older man wants to shag a teenager. Unusually, he realises it’s a bad idea, partly because of their age gap, partly because he’s a vampire. They end up shagging anyway and having a child, but not before numerous vampires and, confusingly, werewolves die. Oh and the ending was all a dream.