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Seven film trilogies that can be summed up in a text

SOME films think they merit a whole trilogy, often with instalments lasting three f**king hours. But why waste your time watching them when most can be summed up in a text?

The Hobbit

Little lad gets obsessed with jewellery, meets some other little lads. They piss about in the countryside then meet a wealthy dragon. The little shits murder him, have his gold and go home. Also there are goblins.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Lady who doesn’t think she likes getting spanked on the bum finds out she does in fact like getting spanked on the bum, thanks to a rich bastard whose spare room is for weird shagging. After much faffing about and trips to B&Q for more rope and duct tape they eventually fall in love. That was shit.

The Omen

Satan comes back to earth as a kid and kills Doctor Who. His dad is pissed off with his new dog. Unfortunate incident with a lake. Unfortunate incident with a lift. Unfortunate incident with a baby and an iron. Satan grows up, pulls, dies.

Night at the Museum

All the shit in a museum comes to life. Despite this apparently happening every night, it always results in pure f**king chaos, and everything must be back in its original place by morning. Has something to do with a magic Egyptian tablet. Everything turns out okay.

The Human Centipede

German man studies to become a scientist. Doesn’t do normal science with chemicals or the moon, sews people’s faces onto other people’s arses. Sequels are dead meta, loon watches previous films, sews even more faces to arses. Everything turns out not okay.

The Mummy

Bloke from past with bad skin is repeatedly accidentally brought back to life by Brendan Fraser. Wants to murder humanity, so Brendan has to kill the leathery bastard again. This happens twice in Egypt and once in China. Brendan eats lots of cakes after. 

Twilight

Older man wants to shag a teenager. Unusually, he realises it’s a bad idea, partly because of their age gap, partly because he’s a vampire. They end up shagging anyway and having a child, but not before numerous vampires and, confusingly, werewolves die. Oh and the ending was all a dream.

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We couldn't have done it without you, says Shell

OIL and gas giant Shell has thanked you for your invaluable contribution to its record profits of £32.2 billion.

While celebrating on their diamond-encrusted, solid-gold superyacht, the bosses of Shell raised a glass of Dom Pérignon to you and everyone else who contributed to the biggest profit in the company’s 115-year history.

CEO Wael Sawan said: “Our profits were already massive so we didn’t think you’d manage it. But every time you put the heating on low to try and stave off the cold snap that was more lovely money for us. So here’s to you. Cheers!

“Without you using our extortionate energy to boil the kettle or charge your phone we’d be destitute and shitting ourselves about our bills. Luckily we’re as far away from the grim reality we’ve engineered as it’s possible to get, which is a real relief.

“The big line on our profit graph is shooting up to new heights and it’s unlikely to come down again any time soon. If you were an executive you’d get a big bonus for contributing to our success, but you’re not so you won’t. Sorry.

“Anyway, let’s look to the future. I’m confident you can make even bigger profits for us next year while we destroy the planet. Come on guys, let’s really go for this and make it a trillion!”

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