Liz Truss planning shittest ever comeback

LIZ Truss is planning to follow up being the worst prime minister in 50 years with the shittest possible political comeback, she has confirmed.

Truss, who managed a month-and-a-half in office that cost British taxpayers a bargain £30 billion, has rallied support from Tory backbenchers of scarcely-imaginable cretinousness and believes she is on the way back.

An insider said: “We’ve got a fantastic slogan: ‘Liz Was Right and You’re An Idiot’. It really sums up her platform.

“She’s got the backing of the party’s thickest and most callous ideologues, all absolutely committed to political projects deeply unpopular with the public, like selling off the NHS and abolishing capital gains tax.

“Her move’s perfectly timed, just as tens of thousands of homeowners are seeing their mortgages rocket due to her fiscal event but while ‘growth’ is still used as an expletive.

“Even the way she’s portraying being shat out of public office faster than a bad kebab as ‘taking a breather’ is turning Britain against her all over again. This comeback is going to crash and f**king burn.”

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “She’s back? Okay, can we talk about the fact that she killed the Queen now?”

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It watches you having sex, and other reasons dog owners are a massive turn-off

TELLING potential dates you’ve got a dog will make them think you’re incredibly caring and hot, right? No. They’ll think these things instead.

They spend all their time picking up shit

Imagine going for a walk with the sexy new person you’ve just slept with and watching the hand that gave you all that steamy pleasure earlier picking up a fresh turd. You’ll go right off them. It’ll be even worse if it’s a runny one that necessitates them pathetically flicking at it with a stick.

Everything I own will be covered in dog hair

Do you own an expensive black coat or a brand new white sofa? Then it’s f**ked. Somehow, whatever the colour the dog is, everything you own will be covered in visible hair that you can’t get off, no matter how much you spend on lint rollers.

They can’t be spontaneous

There’s nothing more exciting than someone who is happy to drop everything and jet off for a city break in Bucharest at a moment’s notice. By the time your dog-owning lover has booked them into a kennel two weeks will have passed and you’ll be bored sick of them banging on about poor little Buddy’s separation anxiety.

It watches you have sex

Worse than having it sleep in the bed with you, is having it in the room while you’re getting it on. Your partner says he’ll bark if he’s shut out of the room, but surely that’s better than having to push a Labrador’s nose out of your new partner’s crotch while trying to maintain an erection?

They will be freakishly obsessed with it

In the olden days people kept their dog on a chain in the garden, but we’ve become so weird that we now dress them in pyjamas and let them sleep in our beds. ‘You don’t mind sharing with the fur baby, do you?’ your partner asks, prompting you to put your clothes back on and call an Uber.