IN a new relationship everything about each other is fascinating, so you won’t want to admit you mostly watch films about violent robots. Here’s what your film taste should be.
Instead of Goodfellas, say La Dolce Vita
Both are Italian-based, but La Dolce Vita is officially a classic and dead arty, which makes you look good in front of your girlfriend. Sadly there are no scary midgets asking if you think they’re funny, but Anita Ekberg dicking around in a fountain eases the boredom. There’s also no danger of giving away the plot, because there isn’t one.
Do say: ‘Fellini created a new vision of what cinema could be.’
Don’t say: ‘It’s okay even though it’s in black and white.’
Instead of Jurassic Park, say Le Voyage dans la Lune
Bonus points here as you get to say a foreign film title, complete with brainy translation. Hopefully your true love was shit at French at school, or just a bit dim, and has no idea it’s pretty much the same as the English.
Do say: ‘It pioneered cinematic storytelling and gave birth to visual effects.’
Don’t say: ‘There’s a much better one where they find space Nazis.’
Instead of The Matrix, say 2001: A Space Odyssey
The 1999 movie with Keanu Reeves as the cassock-wearing geek-turned-saviour could be considered a modern classic, but play it safe and prefer Kubrick’s redefinition of the sci-fi genre into something philosophical and artistically serious. Also you have to admit that for a film about the nature of reality, The Matrix does involves a lot of kicking.
Do say: ‘Kubrick approaches the genre as a vehicle for profound questions. Where do we come from? Could artificial intelligence surpass us? How might humanity evolve?’
Don’t say: ‘What’s this music? I’m sure it was on an advert.’
Instead of Transformers, say Metropolis
With its hierarchical dystopia, Metropolis probably influenced Blade Runner, not to mention The Fifth Element and definitely films like Star Wars, where the lady robot became C-3PO. In other words, there’s loads of stuff in it from films you’ve actually seen. And didn’t find utterly tedious.
Do say: ‘Fritz Lang helped to define the visual language of science fiction.’
Don’t say: ‘Unfortunately Superman isn’t in it. Or Milly Alcock. I would.’
Instead of Independence Day, say Brief Encounter
For Christ’s sake don’t make the same error as Del Boy. Your true love will realise you’re a moron if you’re visibly confused by it being in black and white with no aliens. Instead remember it is widely considered to be one of the most romantic movies ever made. Yes, even more than 9½ Weeks.
Do say: ‘The recurring use of Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2 is integral to the film’s emotional impact.’
Don’t say: ‘Now that’s what I call a brief encounter’ in a Will Smith voice.
Instead of Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, say Rear Window
Beware a new girlfriend asking about your favourite films and starting to say ‘Lock Stock and -’ in some premature verbal ejaculation. Women mostly aren’t into that classic of mockney bollocks, so swap it out for Hitchcock. Keep your 20th anniversary edition DVD – with a new interview with Vinnie Jones – hidden, along with with other relics of the era like your well-thumbed copies of Loaded with Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh.
Do say: ‘Cinematic technique creates meaning; every camera angle, edit, and point of view is carefully chosen to align the audience with Jeff’s perspective.’
Don’t say: ‘It’d be funny if Jeff got out a Bren gun.’
Instead of Jaws, actually you can keep that
This one’s fine as it’s a bona fide classic whose impact on popular culture is still felt half a century on. However restrict your showing-off to technical facts and interesting behind-the-scenes conflicts that shaped the characters. That sounds more cultured than going on about how the first time you saw the shark you nearly shat yourself.
Do say: ‘It’s hard to say what I love more, the storytelling skills of the young Spielberg, or directorial flourishes like the famous dolly zoom – but always in service of the narrative.’
Don’t say: ‘Even at the age of 34 I still think a shark might come up the toilet.’
