MIDDLE-AGED men are fine with ladies’ pubic hair, whereas young fellas act as if they’ve discovered Japanese knotweed. What is the cause of this puzzling situation?
Porn was different then
Men over 50 did not grow up with internet porn. Cinemas, VHS tapes and occasionally a magazine found in a hedge all featured pubic hair as standard, and it wasn’t a niche category on PornHub. Men watching porn films simply took it on trust that there was a fanny somewhere underneath all that.
They’re desperate
Older men are pathetically eager for a shag and unlikely to lay down conditions. At 23, a man believes he’s conducting a quality-control inspection. At 53 he is more likely to be thinking: ‘F**king hell, someone fancies me.’ He is not about to jeopardise proceedings with a list of landscaping requests.
It takes him back to 1990
Nothing transports him back to his youth like a pair of sensible M&S cotton briefs being removed to reveal a thriving ecosystem that could easily have wood pigeons nesting in it. Suddenly he’s 19 again, behind Thrustz nightclub, with Simply Red drifting over from the kebab shop. Proust had his madeleines. A middle-aged bloke from Kettering has a dense 1980s bush.
He can’t complain about hairs
His own back resembles AstroTurf. His ears have developed eyebrows. There may even be disturbing toe hairs. Complaining about someone else’s grooming would be like Jabba the Hutt criticising controlling boyfriend behaviour.
He is hardened to hairs in his mouth
Coming from a pre-shaved era, he is used to getting annoying pubic hairs in his mouth that have to somehow be removed during cunnilingus without getting up and spitting, which sends out the wrong message. Rest assured this is less to do with sexual broadmindedness than going down on a woman being an occasional chore that makes it way easier to request blowjobs.
He doesn’t want to look a creep
A preference for no pubic hair can, unfortunately, raise concerns about what’s on your hard drive. While it’s deeply unfair to single out older men for such suspicions, he’s unlikely to reduce the chances of a shag by broaching the subject. And unlike young guys, there’s less chance he’ll want to record sex stuff on his phone. He’s not totally got the hang of sending pictures yet.
He has bigger worries
Male middle-aged woes range from obscure knee problems to being worryingly close to genuine oldness, with its decrepit pensioner stage designed to get you in the mood for death. A woman possessing a forest rather than a bush is an insignificant sexual problem compared to being constantly reminded that his prostate is trying to murder him.
