Seven great songs for delusional white teenagers on the bus

ARE you 14 and desperately want to be ‘urban’ and ‘street’ despite living in the sticks? Here are some excellent tracks to listen to with your crew on the bus to Knutsford.

Heat – 50 Cent

No trip to the local park to share a two-litre bottle of Strongbow is complete without some Fiddy. A lot of his songs are fairly interchangeable, and this one ticks most of the boxes: ‘I’ll ride by and blow ya brains out’, ‘I done made myself a millionaire’, and so on. You too intend to get rich or die tryin’ but your mum keeps making you do your GCSE coursework instead of busting sick rhymes.

Bring Ya Whole Crew – DMX

Like DMX, you have a crew, so he’s required listening for tips on dealing with beefs in the hood. ‘I got blood on my hands and there’s no remorse/ And got blood on my dick cause I f**ked a corpse’, raps DMX surprisingly cheerfully. You’re not sure he really did f**k a corpse, but even DMX must have had the odd dry spell, and you can certainly relate to not getting your leg over. 

Chi Chi Man – TOK 

A lot of Jamaican dancehall is basically gangsta reggae, which is great, but it’s quite homophobic and the girls in your class don’t like that. If you want to stand any chance of fingering Lianne Rogers don’t play her this track about burning gay men, and particularly not Dr Evil’s hilariously fearful hit Batty Boy Stay Far From We. (Sample lyric: ‘Adam was made for Eve/ He was not made for Steve/ No ifs, no buts, no maybes/ Dicks and butts will make no babies.’)

Kim – Eminem

Marshall Mathers is an inspiration to every aspiring rapper like yourself. However you’re currently having difficulty writing your own lyrics about violently murdering your girlfriend, possibly due to never having had a girlfriend. You could easily fill several double albums with songs about wanking, though.

Straight outta Compton – NWA 

An oldie but the lyrics are excellent. As well carrying out what sounds like dozens of murders, which somehow he was never charged with, Ice Cube warns potential enemies he will ‘cook ‘em in a pot like gumbo’, and there’s nothing more terrifying than being turned into seafood stew. Sadly you live in a leafy commuter town in Cheshire, not a crime-ridden Californian slum with a sky-high murder rate, but you can dream.

Paper Planes – MIA

You love this track, which is totally gangsta, with female rapper MIA in a hoodie singing ‘All I wanna do is take your money’ to the sound of gunshots. Annoyingly, it’s actually about singer Maya Arulpragasam’s difficulty overcoming immigrant stereotypes when applying for a US work visa, but it’s still great to listen to while smoking a pathetically tiny blim of dope behind Asda while nervously watching out for ‘the Feds’.

Thug Life – Tupac

Admittedly you’re not as immersed in street crime as Tupac (RIP) with his entanglements in various shootings and his untimely death, but you do play your music without headphones on the bus which is probably illegal, so you feel a bond. You definitely want a ‘thug life’ tattoo, but your mum would go f**king ballistic. Still, Tupac probably had the same problem.

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Coronation vs Eurovision: Which is the better watch? Cast your vote

WITH the Coronation out of the way TV viewers have moved on to Eurovision. But which is the better watch for you? Take part in our poll.

The costumes

A) Do you like swords, crowns and ornate, embroidered robes which look so expensive they seem to actively be taking the piss out of people struggling with the cost of living crisis?

B) Are you more into sequins and spandex and secretly wished that halfway through the Coronation someone had whipped off Camilla’s dress to reveal a very short one underneath?


A) Do you enjoy seeing pale white men honouring another pale while man in a boring magic ceremony? (Although they did have a black a capella choir, which they can do without risk of embarrassment now Prince Philip isn’t around.)

B) Do you prefer an event where every colour, sexuality, class and creed is welcome? (Although the universal message of love and peace is slightly undermined by everyone sending weapons to blow the shit out of Russia.)

The music

A) Patchy at best, but good if the only males and their organs you want to see are very old and playing hymns. There’s a small concession to modernity with the pop concert, which this year featured Katy Perry, Nicole Scherzinger and the reanimated corpse of Lionel Richie. Very much the best of British.

B) Patchy at best, but that’s kind of the point. In 67 years there’s been one genuinely good act, Abba, so it’s not like you weren’t warned. Good music would be a waste anyway, because everyone’s too pissed to remember it. However credit due for not involving Olly Murs or social-climbing twats Take That.


A) A fully-televised long weekend which by Monday had caused you to fall out with traitorous family members who tried to change channels, and also several neighbours complaining about the parking situation due to your street party, the f**king Quislings.

B) A main show that’s mercifully just four solid hours of wildly varying ‘entertainment’ and stilted banter. Plus there’s the slim chance of a cameraman catching one of singers snorting coke off a table like that bloke from Måneskin in 2021.

The politics

A) Prime ministers old and new are invited and even allowed to give speeches. This year an MP previously best known for appearing on Splash! did a Game of Thrones/Stars Wars cosplay mash-up, and that’s normal.

B) Greece gives Cyprus full marks and vice versa. Everyone hates the UK because the British Empire kept killing them 200 years ago and awards us nul points. Or so we thought until we actually had a good song last year. It turns out we’d just been shit for decades.


Mostly As. You voted Coronation. You are a staunch Royalist who loves pomp, ceremony and pageantry. A week later your house is still 80 per bunting and you’ve still got seven Coronation Quiches to force down.

Mostly Bs. You voted Eurovision. You’re covered in body paint and high on life, or rather MDMA. You’ve started to listen to Lulu’s 1969 entry Boom Bang A Bang of your own free will. You are a maniac.