Butt-ugly man offering his opinions on beautiful women

AN unattractive man confidently makes judgements about gorgeous women as if he might have a chance of sleeping with them, it has emerged.

Bill McKay, 43, likes to ogle and then harshly criticise women he sees on the street, in a way that suggests he is a potential love-match for them and does not have double chins and beady little eyes like a rat.

McKay said: “See that bird over there? Big tits but if you look really closely you’ll see one is very slightly bigger than the other. Bit odd. Not into that.

“And that other one, standing at the bus stop? Nice face but her thighs are a bit thick. Probably goes to the gym too much. That would put me right off in the bedroom.”

McKay does not restrict his judgements to women on public transport, at the supermarket or queuing in Greggs, also critiquing famous women there really is zero chance of him bedding.

He said: “Take that Blake Lively. She’s a looker but she’s got a massive mole by her nose which ruins her beauty. I’d have to shut my eyes when I went to snog her.

“The world is full of lovely looking girls, but there’s always one or two little details that completely put me off them. But that’s the price you pay for having standards – not getting a shag since 1998.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Supposedly hard Northerners can't handle a few cancelled trains?' sneers TransPennine Express

BOSSES at TransPennine Express thought it would take more than a few cancellations to trigger Northerners, who have turned out to be soft as shite, they have revealed.

The outgoing rail operator was under the impression that people up North were made of sterner stuff and would not be fazed by problems as minor as multiple-hour delays, piss-poor service and no trains at all.

A company spokesperson said: “We only cancelled trains on an hourly basis because we thought you were tough enough to take it. Clearly we were wrong and you’re all a bunch of pussies.

“What did you want us to do? Arrive on time, serve you with a smile, and not treat you like shit on our shoes? So much for bluff Northerners who’ll twat you for looking at their pie. 

“Cancelling trains was meant to put hairs on your chests, and God knows you need them. I’d tell you to man up, grow a pair and get over it but that’ll probably make you cry. Boo hoo hoo. That’s you.

“You’re not going to like this, but Southerners are hard as nails compared to you. Avanti is sadistically tormenting customers every single day but they keep dusting themselves off and coming back for more. It’s impressive how much punishment they can take.

“Anyway, enjoy the government running the show, snowflakes. I’m sure they’ll make it vaguely work until the next election then leave you with one train a day from Shitville to Bumhole which is cancelled anyway.”