Having a face like a badger's arse: Six secrets of Ed Sheeran's success

CLEARED of plagiarism, Ed Sheeran can focus on his career of being the Tesco oven chips of pop. So what are the secrets of his slightly mystifying success?

The relatable authenticity of the name ‘Ed’

Eddie, Teddy or Edward Sheeran would not have impacted on the British consciousness. No. He’s just ‘Ed’, short and stumpy, like the man himself. 

His twin heritage of Halifax and Suffolk

Sheeran hit the jackpot by being born in Halifax, home of landmarks like the Halifax Tourist Centre. But then to move to Suffolk, not known as ‘the backside of Britain’ for nothing, was a double boon. The diverse cultural influence of these two fascinating places must have been massive, providing inspiration for brilliant songs such as all his brilliant songs.

Having a face like a badger’s arse

When a man is making love and his partner has a faraway look in her eyes, is it Ed Sheeran she’s fantasising about? F**k no. Ed’s all right by Britain’s men. Have a platinum disc on us, mate!

Songs so shit they must be heartfelt

Most pop on Radio 1 is too slick and immaculate, as though it’s been through some sort of elaborate studio process of making it sound ‘good’. Clearly, that’s not happened with Sheeran’s songs. They are raw, untreated sewage pumped directly into the ears of the public, bearing the honest stench of excrement.

He’s not a nine-piece boy combo from South Korea

Ed deserves credit for making homegrown pop that can hold its own against the cultural juggernaut of K-Pop, which he has achieved by not being South Korean and several boys. Although frankly K-Pop is better. 

Doing a wedding song 

The true key to his success. Who cares about the quality when Shape of You is played at every wedding of couples with unadventurous musical tastes, providing the soundtrack for wonderful memories of granddad shuffling around the dancefloor like a twat, little Liam vomiting up his meal and a fight in the car park?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Seven celebrities who turned out to be surprisingly hard

THE entertainment world is full of not-very-hard hardmen, from Steve McFadden to Jason Statham. But a rare few could snap you like a twig. Such as these.

The Stranglers

Post-punk generations probably best know the Stranglers for their elegant pop hit Golden Brown. But after the hard graft of writing songs like Strange Little Girl, the band liked to unwind with some heroin, fighting and going to prison. Bassist Jean-Jacques Burnel is a black belt in karate and, unlike martial arts twats who drone on about only using it in self-defence, used it to beat up journalist Jon Savage for a mildly negative review. Refreshing.

James Doohan

The original Scotty from Star Trek was missing a finger after being shot six times during the Normandy Landings, during which he killed two German snipers, and the gravity of that near-fatal chapter in his life might have inspired him while facing numerous threats in outer space. Perhaps if Simon Pegg had a finger shot off the JJ Abrams films would be less shit.

Lewis Collins

Collins was a territorial member of 10 Para, which is already pretty hard, when he decided to apply for the SAS. He passed all the initial training but it was decided his fame was a security risk, although the sheer shock of Bodie from The Professionals turning up would surely have disoriented enemies in a firefight. Sadly his co-star Martin Shaw let the side down and just did Judge John Deed instead of joining the US Navy SEALs or Spetsnaz, the big girl.

Duncan Ferguson 

Former Glasgow Rangers player Ferguson confronted a duo of burglars on not one but two occasions, hospitalising one on both occasions. Unfortunately his enthusiasm for battering people also resulted in him headbutting a policeman in a taxi rank scuffle, punching and kicking a supporter on crutches, getting a year’s probation for a fight with a fisherman in a pub and finally a three-month jail sentence for headbutting a defender during a match. It just goes to show – even if you really enjoy doing something, sometimes it’s best to keep it just as a hobby. 

Jimi Hendrix

Jimi Hendrix had a broad skillset. As well as studying jazz greats like Miles Davis and being quite good at guitar, 5’10” Jimi spent a year training as a paratrooper. He wasn’t very good at it, but you must pick up a few handy killing techniques during a year in the 101st Airborne Division. Either way, you wouldn’t want to spill Jimi’s pint, although he was apparently a really nice guy and probably wouldn’t be overly concerned about about a spilt pint of Tetley’s, due to being Jimi Hendrix.

Snoop Dogg 

Despite being fond of a calming joint, Snoop has faced a bewildering array of drugs and firearms charges, plus murder. However the incident that stands out is of course his famous scuffle with Rod Hull on The Word, which also included a less-remembered semi-fight between Hull and Mark Lamarr, also wielding a puppet. After being antagonised by Emu one time too many, Snoop snaps and pins Hull to the floor, allegedly with his foot on his throat, in a rare example of a harmless old man being an entirely deserving victim of violence.

James Stewart 

Stewart volunteered for the utterly terrifying task of flying a slow-moving bomber in raids over Germany with very high losses and offering a variety of horrible deaths (including baling out over the place you’d just area-bombed) then doing it again, and again, and again. The sheer relief at not being dead might explain why Stewart wasn’t subsequently known for self-indulgent actor demands like insisting Emily Ratajkowski be cast to do sex scenes with him (Ben Affleck while filming Gone Girl).