CLEARED of plagiarism, Ed Sheeran can focus on his career of being the Tesco oven chips of pop. So what are the secrets of his slightly mystifying success?
The relatable authenticity of the name ‘Ed’
Eddie, Teddy or Edward Sheeran would not have impacted on the British consciousness. No. He’s just ‘Ed’, short and stumpy, like the man himself.
His twin heritage of Halifax and Suffolk
Sheeran hit the jackpot by being born in Halifax, home of landmarks like the Halifax Tourist Centre. But then to move to Suffolk, not known as ‘the backside of Britain’ for nothing, was a double boon. The diverse cultural influence of these two fascinating places must have been massive, providing inspiration for brilliant songs such as all his brilliant songs.
Having a face like a badger’s arse
When a man is making love and his partner has a faraway look in her eyes, is it Ed Sheeran she’s fantasising about? F**k no. Ed’s all right by Britain’s men. Have a platinum disc on us, mate!
Songs so shit they must be heartfelt
Most pop on Radio 1 is too slick and immaculate, as though it’s been through some sort of elaborate studio process of making it sound ‘good’. Clearly, that’s not happened with Sheeran’s songs. They are raw, untreated sewage pumped directly into the ears of the public, bearing the honest stench of excrement.
He’s not a nine-piece boy combo from South Korea
Ed deserves credit for making homegrown pop that can hold its own against the cultural juggernaut of K-Pop, which he has achieved by not being South Korean and several boys. Although frankly K-Pop is better.
Doing a wedding song
The true key to his success. Who cares about the quality when Shape of You is played at every wedding of couples with unadventurous musical tastes, providing the soundtrack for wonderful memories of granddad shuffling around the dancefloor like a twat, little Liam vomiting up his meal and a fight in the car park?
