I was high as f**k holding that sword

PENNY Mordaunt has confessed she was off her tits on recreational narcotics while holding the sword at the Coronation.

The Leader of the House of Commons admitted she was only able to heft the seven-pound ceremonial weapon because she was ‘absolutely flying’ on a cocktail of drugs including uppers, downers and hallucinogens.

She said: “It promised to be a historic occasion, and I’ve been at those before. They go on for bloody hours. So I got out the old stash box and got stuck in.

“By the time they handed me the Jewelled Sword of Offering, I was tripping balls. I had no idea where I was, and what with the fancy weapon and the choral music I thought I was accepting a side-quest in a Zelda game.

“I was walking so slowly I thought time had stopped. All I was thinking was: ‘Don’t chop his head off. Don’t chop his head off. Those are just shadows. Not ninjas.’ Watch the footage. You can see it in my face.

“I got out of there, sat down at the palace and said to Zara Phillips ‘Did that just f**king happen?’ She assured me it did, and gave me a drag of her spliff to settle me.

“Anyway, I did it and I looked hot doing it. Why am I not yet prime minister? Is it because I’m shit at the actual politics stuff?”

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They sell craft beer: How to convince yourself Wetherspoons is fine now

WETHERSPOONS is reporting record profits after attracting customers struggling with the cost of living. Here’s how to convince yourself it’s a great place to drink:

They sell craft beer

Wetherspoons used to only sell piss like Fosters and farty real ale such as Ruddles, but now they’ve got craft beers including Brewdog’s Punk IPA on tap. Which is essentially piss for hipsters, but at least it allows you to feel slightly less like a borderline alcoholic who’ll drink anything if it costs less than four quid.

They’re saving architectural gems

The old cinema in the town centre looked set for demolition after bingo went out of fashion, but Wetherspoons stepped in and saved it. Okay, so they gutted the inside and filled it with horrible carpets, crappy furniture and a collection of the area’s most underemployed, frightening residents, but it still allows you to pretend you’re there for the architecture rather than the £3.59 fry up.

No music is actually a good thing

People deride Wetherspoons pubs for being big, soulless barns with zero atmosphere, but the silence is actually quite zen. Buddhists and mindfulness types pay good money to be able to sit in quiet, meditative spaces for long periods. Yeah, they don’t usually have to put up with a strange bloke called Derek having occasional loud rants about bloody immigrants, but it’s basically the same spiritual journey of self-discovery.

That prick Tim Martin has learnt his lesson

Look, we all know Tim Martin is a bellend who shafted his staff during Covid, but he’s been shat on by Brexit, which he helped promote and must have learned his lesson by now, so you don’t see the need to boycott his pubs anymore. No, don’t mention he’s still in a typical Brexiter state of denial that leaving the EU has f**ked the economy. Shh. Stop talking.

Look, it’s f**king cheap, alright?

Okay, fine, we admit your local Wetherspoons is a miserable hellhole full of bad food, worse drinks and depressed people. But you can get hammered for less than £20 there, which you can’t do anywhere else except at home. So you’re going to keep coming. Who fancies a quick pint or nine?