Your friend's DJ profile: The shit pages everyone's stopped liking on Facebook

THE early days of Facebook were filled with people frantically inviting you to like pages they’d set up for any old shit. Enjoy the fact that you’re no longer wasting your life with these:

Ironic event days

‘World Ketchup Day’, ‘Danny Dyer Appreciation Day’, ‘The Annual Ham Fan Jamboree’ – all desperate attempts to be funny, liked by undiscerning idiots like you. Now you steer clear of this nonsense, using Facebook solely to check birthdays and find out how racist your uncle is these days.

Your friend’s DJ profile

A mate who is also a twat bought some turntables and suffers an ongoing delusion that he’s going to be the new Calvin Harris. Years ago, hundreds of people would’ve been fooled into accepting this prick’s invitation to like his page. But now his heinous remixes of Eminem B-sides with Baby Shark will be heard by no one. It sounds sad but it’s not.

A local club night

Once the promise of one free Jägerbomb was enough to make you like a local club night called something bollocks like ‘Vapour Hunk’. Strangely everyone got sick of their newsfeeds being filled with photos of random hammered students and posts announcing whatever tragic Big Brother contestant was ‘guest DJ’. Remember Lee Davey? No? That’s good.

Your friends’ doomed personal projects

Your friends wanted you to like and spread the word about some project that was clearly going to suck up time and effort before promptly failing. No longer do you encourage their fantasy that a comedy night in a pub in a tiny rural town will be a success, or their terrible short film will lead to riches and coke in LA. At least their shit-boring charity runs and cycle rides benefited someone other than them.

Obscure X Factor contestants

Before anyone really understood how social media worked, you trawled through Facebook like a confused nan finding whatever contestant on The X Factor you happened to fancy that year, and liked their page thinking that it would somehow help their career. The show gradually outstayed its welcome and now you have absolutely no f**king clue who or what ‘Fleur East’ is.

Actor fan pages

If you step back and think about it, what did anyone gain from you liking a Jeff Goldblum fan page? Jeff got nothing out of it, and at best you’d see the occasional piece of deranged erotic fan art. No one touches these anymore, and Jeff Goldblum’s career hasn’t suffered. In fact he’s probably glad not to be pictured making love to Sam Neill.

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Eurovision to finally put Liverpool on the musical map

EUROVISION will finally give Liverpool a musical heritage after previously contributing absolutely nothing to the art form.

Residents have welcomed the song contest with open arms as it marks the end of a popular music drought which began when the borough was founded by King John in 1207.

Liverpudlian Tom Booker said: “I can’t believe it. Liverpool? Famous for music? If it wasn’t for all the Eurovision coverage on TV I would’ve said you’re taking the piss.

“We’re a notoriously tone-deaf city. Our best attempts at making music up to this point have been banging on bits of metal in the Cammell Laird shipyard, the theme from Bread, and calling Manchester United fans wankers. None of which charted.

“By hosting a contest with performers from across Europe and a UK act from London, which we love, we can finally make our mark on musical history. 

“Maybe now people will flock to Liverpool for our musical significance as well as our laid-back football fans. We’d better not go over the top though and base our whole identity around it. That risks looking tacky and would likely get tedious very fast.”

Mayor of Liverpool Joanne Anderson said: “Ukraine isn’t the star of the show. It’s all about us, Liverpool, the city that was the home of China Crisis.”