Silent Witness episode 'just violent enough'

AN episode of the BBC series Silent Witness contained just the right amount of violence, according to viewers.

Fans of the series, which is essentially a horror film for people too refined to rent Zombie Flesheaters, found a scene of sadistic violence to be titillating while also having a veneer of seriousness.

43-year-old Mary Fisher said: “Silent Witness has the gruesomeness I demand, but also the decent actors and convoluted plots that make it a ‘proper drama’.

“It’s Saw for middle earners and I’m fine with that.”

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Lib Dems to be replaced by dysfunctional family from east end of Glasgow

THE Conservative are to form a new coalition with the MacPherson family from Glasgow’s notorious Easterhouse estate.

Prime minister David Cameron said he was keen to work with the MacPhersons as they currently had fewer people under criminal investigation or awaiting sentence than the Liberal Democrats.

He added: “When I asked the eldest son, Bobby, if he knew anything about his brother’s fondness for grabbing women’s breasts, he said ‘fuck aye, he’s at it all the time, the wee bastard’.

“I found his honesty refreshing, plus he’s got a guy who can get us all really cheap Adidas.”