Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Love is patient. So stop fucking banging on about the washing up.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you will learn that the singular of Sam Allardyce is Sam Allardie.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
Okay, okay, so you invented instant spray-on suntan cream. No need to rub it in.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If he’s stalling over having kids, tell him you plan to put on four stone in the near future and whether than involves pregnancy is up to him.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
By the time of their fourth kid, Baby Ds parents had run out of names they liked.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After buying a pin cushion you now have really comfortable pins.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you think you have the skills and mindset to become a Royal Marine, for Christ’s sake join the army otherwise you’ll end up in prison.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s not unusual for a doctor to request a stool sample, but it’s generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If one more person tries to introduce a cutesy portmanteau word on Twitter, they can twucking well go twuck on a fat twick.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
BBC producers call the police after you arrive for filming Flog It dressed in a PVC catsuit and ask where the punter is.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If youre caught shoplifting in Asda just tell the security guard an evil genius has implanted a remote-control bomb in your stomach and is forcing you to pinch stuff. Then go bastard mental. They wont believe you but itll be a laugh.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you and your mates do a proper wicked version of the Harlem Shake and post it online. Like the bunch of blue-whale-size fannies you are.