Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Love is patient. So stop fucking banging on about the washing up.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you will learn that the singular of Sam Allardyce is Sam Allardie.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Okay, okay, so you invented instant spray-on suntan cream. No need to rub it in.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If he’s stalling over having kids, tell him you plan to put on four stone in the near future and whether than involves pregnancy is up to him.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
By the time of their fourth kid, Baby D’s parents had run out of names they liked.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After buying a pin cushion you now have really comfortable pins.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you think you have the skills and mindset to become a Royal Marine, for Christ’s sake join the army otherwise you’ll end up in prison.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s not unusual for a doctor to request a stool sample, but it’s generally considered bad form if they do it on a first date.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If one more person tries to introduce a cutesy portmanteau word on Twitter, they can twucking well go twuck on a fat twick.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
BBC producers call the police after you arrive for filming Flog It dressed in a PVC catsuit and ask where the punter is.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’re caught shoplifting in Asda just tell the security guard an evil genius has implanted a remote-control bomb in your stomach and is forcing you to pinch stuff. Then go bastard mental. They won’t believe you but it’ll be a laugh.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you and your mates do a proper wicked version of the Harlem Shake and post it online. Like the bunch of blue-whale-size fannies you are.



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British Gas to hire 1,000 trainee bastards

BRITISH Gas will take on 1,000 young people over the next three years and teach them how to be unremitting bastards.

Under fire for killing your grandmother for the eighth year in a row, the company said it wanted to contribute to the UK economy by giving unemployed youngsters the vital skills to grind this country’s face into the dust.

A spokesman said: “A successful company must always be thinking about its next generation of bastards.

“We want to train 1,000 young people to be able to go on television with a straight face and say that profit increases have nothing to do with price rises. And then wink at the camera.

“With the right training, perhaps one day one of these young people will reach such levels of bastardry that when they go to the TV studio, instead of answering questions, they will just beat the hell out of the interviewer and then urinate on them.

“If we’ve done our job properly they will then be escorted to a waiting limousine by the British Gas Police.”

The trainee programme has been welcomed by young people across the country, particularly unemployed graduates who have abandoned plans to be decent human beings.

Emma Bradford, a zoology graduate from Hatfield said: “I was hoping to work in a zoo, but now I want to be a sexy bastard for British Gas. I’ll wear my hair up and develop tariffs that can summon the devil.”

Wayne Hayes, a young person from Stevenage, added: “I want British Gas to teach me how to rip someone’s heart straight out of their chest, like that guy from Indiana Jones.”

The spokesman said: “That’s covered on day two.”