Osborne reverses polarity of pound

GEORGE Osborne hopes to fix the economy by reversing the polarity of the pound.

Starting today, everyone must draw a minus sign on all their coins and bank notes.

Goods and services will be exchanged for the new ‘minus money’.  A pint of milk will cost -50p, a loaf of bread -£1.30 and so on.

The move has immediately converted all debt to credit.  Instead of a massive deficit, the government now has a trillion pound surplus.

George Osborne will celebrate by using some of the cash to buy everyone in the country “a bottle of really good wine”.

Roy Hobbs, chief analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin said: “Those dozen or so Britons who saved money and planned for their future now find themselves massively in debt.

“Simultaneously, people who had large amounts of debt are suddenly very rich. Consequently Greggs has raised its prices overnight, meaning a sausage roll now costs over -£12.

“They will also deliver nice wicker hampers stuffed with steak bakes.”

The Bank of England will shortly introduce official minus money banknotes.  Instead of national heroes like Charles Darwin and Elizabeth Fry, the new Negative Notes will feature Piers Morgan, Peaches Geldof and Ashley Cole.

 

 

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The Mash Guide to Working From Home

THE boss of unfashionable internet company Yahoo has banned employees from working at home.

However many corporate leaders still hate their workers so much they will pay them to stay in their houses, rather than see their awful faces mooning around the office.

Working from home is a good situation – it’s almost like being free. Here’s how to do it:

Find your bare minimum and stick to it

Establish the least amount of work you can get away with per day and do not exceed it. For example, three emails and a colourful graph.

Do not forget that you have a job

24% of home workers can’t remember who they work for and what they are supposed to be doing.

Write your employer’s name and job title on a Post-It note and stick it to the wall above your computer – this is a vital reference tool.

Alternate internet and television

It’s easy to waste the day looking at Youtube clips of ghosts ‘caught on security camera’ and buying scarves. Every two hours, turn off the internet and turn on the television. Doctors is quite good, also Real Housewives of Orange County.

Perfect a ‘busy voice’

Working from home is all about self-justification, and key to this is pretending you’re busy. If anyone rings up, tell them you’re ‘up against it’ and ‘flat out’ in a deep, serious voice.

Work in intense bursts lasting 45 seconds

You can get more done in a sharp burst of under one minute than in a whole day spent in the office. For example, open a Word document in a really intense way. Then go and do something else.

Masturbation is part of your workflow

It’s inevitable that you will stimulate your genitals during the day, so incorporate this into a rewards system. For example, if you think ‘that was a good Skype conference’, allow yourself a bout of masturbation. Generally however wait until you are off the phone.

If anyone tries to stop you working from home, mutter about ‘productivity’ and ‘creativity’

Sooner or later people will realise you’re dicking about. Fight your corner in true corporate style by looking upset, putting on a pathetic, whiny voice and saying some things that don’t make sense.