The lesser-known rules of Fight Club revealed

EVERYBODY knows the first two rules of Fight Club, but what are the others? 

1: You do not talk about Fight Club.

2: See rule one (this time-saving wording adopted after a successful motion by the Horsham branch).

3: No girls.

4: If you don’t want to fight, you must have a note from your mum.

5: Everyone needs to bring £1 each week for the tea fund. No exceptions.

6: We are all alphas here. Nobody is allowed to call themselves more alpha. Everyone is equally as masculine as everyone else. Yes, that means you Dan.

7: If you accidentally touch your opponent’s crotch during a fight pretend it never happened and never mention it afterwards.

8: No running, pushing, gymnastics or acrobatics, shouting, ducking, petting, bombing, or smoking in the diving area.

9: Taller members should stand at the back to allow Mike and Kevin to get a better view.

10: Let a club official know if you’re not able to attend Fight Club because it really helps with the catering when we know how many people to expect.

11: Don’t bring peanuts to Fight Club. Several members have allergies and we don’t want a repeat of what happened to Chad.

12: Wash your mugs out AND put them away in the cupboard afterwards.

13: Third Tuesday of every month is Fight and Movie Club. Next month’s screening is Fisherman’s Friends 2: One and All. 

14: Have the common decency to flush and use air freshener if you’re dumping solids. It’s not pleasant for the next person.

15: Lost teeth are held in a Tupperware by Martin, if you want to go through and find yours. He’s got quite a collection!

16: Car share to Fight Club where possible or get the bus. The environment’s not going to save itself.

17: If you’ve agreed to take part in Secret Santa then you must honour that commitment. The drop-out rate was ridiculous last year. Alex was in tears.

18: No selling crypto at Fight Club. Do it in the car park afterwards if you must.

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The five areas of Boris Johnson's life we're dying to know about that his memoir will tactfully avoid

BORIS Johnson has seen how many books Prince Harry has sold and announced his tell-all memoir. It will skirt around these key areas: 

How many children has he got? 

The siring antics of the former PM, as fertile as a sink estate, are more intricate than the family trees in fantasy novels. No casual reader can constantly flick back to that web of sexual dalliances so they’ll be cut for the sake of clarity. His child count will remain ‘at least seven’. Wilfred might make a cameo if Johnson needs sympathy or to hit the word count.

What did he get up to with the Bullingdon Club? 

Johnson plans to write a ‘prime ministerial memoir like no other’, so getting pissed and coked up to trash restaurants, paying for thousands in damages from the family’s petty cash drawer, is out because David Cameron’s already done it. Expect endless paragraphs of self-aggrandizing waffle written in Latin instead.

Did Carrie really get caught doing that? 

The memoir of a high-profile narcissist who hates to be upstaged will hardly include a starring role for his current wife, let alone unsavoury details about the act of love that made Gavin Williamson a Sir. Carrie will be a footnote at best apart from when she’s given full blame for the wallpaper.

How many parties were there in Christmas 2020? 

This brief non-episode of Johnson’s life has already been covered by Sue Grey’s highly redacted report so why rehash what the public already knows? The omission has no connection to the ongoing inquiry by the Commons Privileges Committee. It’s simply that Christmas 2020 was a very dull time and nothing really happened then.

What were his great achievements in office? 

Left out not because there weren’t any but because they’re such a familiar part of our everyday life that it would be stating the obvious. Just look out of the window and you’ll see the marvellous post-Brexit Britain Johnson has bequeathed to us. Asserting his vital role in creating this utopia is like saying the sky is blue and the grass green. Plus listing them would take up so much room he’d barely be able to compare himself to Churchill.