Twist of new Indiana Jones film is that he is the relic

THE big twist in the new Indiana Jones film is that Jones himself is the ancient relic possessed of mystical power that everyone is hunting.

Harrison Ford and Phoebe Waller-Bridge, who has done nothing since f**king Fleabag and comes back with this, believe they are being chased for the Dial of Destiny before finding out that Indy was the object of their enemies’ pursuit all along.

Reviewer Helen Archer said: “It’s quite the third act rug-pull, but it makes perfect sense of him being so very, very old.

“The Dial of Destiny itself – an old-fashioned rotary phone only Indy knows how to use – is a red herring. The real mystery is how an 80-year-old can remain ambulatory.

“They track him down, throw the useless Dial away, strip him to the waist and demand he tell them how he’s still having these amazing adventures.

“He opens his mouth and a howling black void, representing Hollywood’s soulless vacuum of originality and creativity and terror of movies not based on already-existing franchises, melts all their faces.

“Then Indy’s loaded into a crate and put on a shelf in a warehouse with all Disney’s other intellectual property to gather dust. I give it two stars. It would have been three but I deducted one for Waller-Bridge being so punchably posh.”

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Campers deserve everything they get

WHETHER beating sun, hammering rain or storms of insects, campers deserve it, Britain has agreed.

As tens of thousands head out to fields to sleep under supposedly waterproof sheets held up by bendy poles, millions more hope there is a bloody hurricane to serve them f**king right.

Eleanor Shaw of Buxton said: “They’ve got homes. They chose to leave those homes and sleep outside, presumably as some sort of dare. They should suffer the consequences.

“This isn’t Glastonbury, where you have to camp to see the bands. This is pure wilful temporarily residing in nature for the sake of it, and lessons need to be learned.

“Covered in insect bites? Stay indoors. Rain dripping in? Stay indoors. Badger enters your tent and starts digging through your rucksack? Would it have happened if you’d stayed indoors?

“They sicken me when they arrive all smiling and hopeful and they sicken me when they trudge away in squelching boots dragging their sodden tents behind them, eyes blank with horror. When sleeping in your car begins to look like forbidden luxury, you’ve f**ked up.”

She added: “If they like the countryside so much they should try living in it. That’s shit as well.”