U2 skips straight to reunion tour

U2 will skip an inevitable decade of falling sales, a split and solo albums by going directly to the long-awaited reunion tour, it has been announced.

Has to relearn playing that one note through a delay pedal

The band has announced that members have overcome their personal difficulties, that the classic line-up is back together, and that tickets begin at £140 or £780 for a meet and greet.

Fan Tom Logan said: “I can’t believe that Bono, The Edge and those other two are back like they’ve never been away.

“I can’t remember exactly when they split, but presumably not long after 2000’s All That You Can’t Leave Behind which is the last one anyone can remember.

“I’m glad they didn’t go the route of some bands, releasing a series of increasingly tuneless and derivative albums to an aging, disinterested fanbase.

“They’ve always had more dignity than that.”

U2’s official history now includes an acrimonious split, a bitter legal battle over the name, the 2009 No Line On The Horizon album by a U2 made up of Bono and former members of The Alarm, and this year’s triumphant reformation.

Bono said: “I took some time off to end world poverty, but now that’s done I’m delighted to be back with the boys.

“And we certainly won’t tarnish our legacy with lacklustre new material aggressively released using technology we don’t fully understand.”

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Britain backs anything to do with stealth bombers

BRITONS have given their full support to any activity that involves stealth bombers.

After alleged sonic booms were heard across the UK, householders said they hoped it was something to do with stealth bombers as they are awesome.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Stealth bombers are really retro and ooze 80s cool – they are the Adidas tracksuits of military ordinance. So much more funky than drones.

“If my home and family were getting bombed I would want it to be by a stealth bomber.”

Teacher Tom Booker agreed: “I consider myself a pacifist except where stealth bombers are concerned, because they are called things like ‘Nightwolf’ which totally captures my imagination.”