'What have I unleashed?' laments first person to put slowed-down pop song in film trailer

THE first person to use a slow, acoustic cover of a pop song in a film trailer has taken a moment to reflect on the horror they have unleashed onto the world.

Hollywood video editor Martin Bishop has been overwhelmed with guilt and regret for using a half-speed version of a hit parade song in a film trailer as part of a desperate bid to get bums on seats.

He said: “It’s hard to believe now, but at the time it was a pretty groundbreaking contrast to the visuals. But I never meant for it to catch on like this. And it’s a burden I’ll carry with me to my grave.

“Like the opening of Pandora’s Box, there’s no going back. The evil I created will stalk this world for the rest of time, forever blemishing songs you used to love like Creep and Smells Like Teen Spirit.

“You can’t even escape my unholy trope by arriving at the cinema ten minutes late. Movie trailers are on your phone now, and even Christmas adverts are getting in on the act. I’d get on my knees and beg for your forgiveness, but I know even that would be too little too late.”

Cinemagoer Nikki Hollis said: “Martin shouldn’t beat himself up. At least he didn’t create the Inception horn. Hans Zimmer should be hunted down and shot composing that monstrosity.”

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Neither Starmer or Sunak win any money for their respective charities

A DISMAL pair of contestants on last night’s ITV debate failed to win a single penny for their respective charities, it has been confirmed.

Having answered every question posed by the audience and host Julie Etchingham incorrectly, Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer went home from last night’s ITV debate with nothing to donate to the charities they were supposedly trying to win money for.

Viewer Nikki Hollis said: “They couldn’t even give a decent answer to the first question about the cost of living crisis. That should have been an easy tenner straight in the kitty.

“Then instead of thinking things through or working as a team, they both descended into petty bickering and talking over one another. Meanwhile the total they’d raised was so low it failed to display on their little podiums.

“It’s not like this was one of those tricky game shows like Only Connect. All they had to do was give straightforward answers to what they were asked. They didn’t even have to think laterally like on Richard Osman’s House of Games.

“I kept yelling the correct answers at them through my TV screen and pleaded with them to say ‘bank’. I knew they couldn’t hear me but I was so frustrated by their stupidity.”

A spokesperson for Scope said: “Pity, we could have really used the cash. Guess we’ll have to close down now.”