Thursday, 13th May 2021

Are you the irritating new keen person?

HAVE you just started a new job and are getting on everyone’s tits with your unquenchable enthusiasm for every aspect of it? Take our test:

When do you get in to work?

A) About ten minutes early, or on time, or ten minutes late. Only rarely 20 minutes late.

B) At some unearthly hour like 7.15am to do totally unnecessary stuff like swotting up on the fire drill procedure.

What is your relationship with your boss like?

A) Fine, but he’s a bit of an Audi-driving tosser.

B) Simultaneously grovelling and hugely over-friendly, asking about his children by name and educational status, desperately hoping to be invited over to their house for drinks.

What does a typical day at work consist of?

A) Just getting on with your job, really. Emails?

B) Constantly coming up with ideas for ‘efficiency improvements’ which are just time-wasting crap ie rationing everyone to four biros per annum and logging it on a spreadsheet.

What do expressions like ‘finding synergies’ mean to you?

A) More fucking corporate bullshit.

B) They are the very heart of my being.

What do you daydream about at work?

A) Scarlett Johansson, pulling an AK-47 from your desk drawer, the usual.

B) Leading your team to victory in the company trivia quiz, being noticed by the directors, fast-tracked to promotion, photo on cover of annual report.


MOSTLY As: You are a depressingly jaded office veteran, but at least you’re not annoying.

MOSTLY Bs: You are definitely the irritating keen guy. Fuck off back to your desk and stop droning on about organising a rounders league.