Are you the irritating new keen person?

HAVE you just started a new job and are getting on everyone’s tits with your unquenchable enthusiasm for every aspect of it? Take our test:

When do you get in to work?

A) About ten minutes early, or on time, or ten minutes late. Only rarely 20 minutes late.

B) At some unearthly hour like 7.15am to do totally unnecessary stuff like swotting up on the fire drill procedure.

What is your relationship with your boss like?

A) Fine, but he’s a bit of an Audi-driving tosser.

B) Simultaneously grovelling and hugely over-friendly, asking about his children by name and educational status, desperately hoping to be invited over to their house for drinks.

What does a typical day at work consist of?

A) Just getting on with your job, really. Emails?

B) Constantly coming up with ideas for ‘efficiency improvements’ which are just time-wasting crap ie rationing everyone to four biros per annum and logging it on a spreadsheet.

What do expressions like ‘finding synergies’ mean to you?

A) More fucking corporate bullshit.

B) They are the very heart of my being.

What do you daydream about at work?

A) Scarlett Johansson, pulling an AK-47 from your desk drawer, the usual.

B) Leading your team to victory in the company trivia quiz, being noticed by the directors, fast-tracked to promotion, photo on cover of annual report.


MOSTLY As: You are a depressingly jaded office veteran, but at least you’re not annoying.

MOSTLY Bs: You are definitely the irritating keen guy. Fuck off back to your desk and stop droning on about organising a rounders league.

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High-achieving woman has strict morning routine and shitloads of money

A WOMAN who credits her success to her disciplined morning routine somehow neglects to mention the fact she inherited £3.2m aged 21.

Francesca Johnson insists that getting up at 5am for an hour’s meditation before a 45-minute vigorous workout with her personal trainer is what built her extensive property empire, even though she began with half of it already.

She said: “After exercise I drink a mineral-enhanced organic protein smoothie and take my balancing supplements. Without them, and my cousin Atalanta who manages a Russian hedge fund, I wouldn’t have made so much of myself.

“Then I pop the kids in the Range Rover and drop them at their pre-school tennis tutoring, before heading to a 9am in Chelsea at our new office, planning permission for which was waved through by another cousin. A different one.

“I honestly believe it’s sticking to this rigorous routine that’s made me the high-flyer I am. Anyone starting their day with Frosties and Good Morning Britain is destined for failure.”

Johnson’s personal assistant Nikki Hollis said: “The only thing that makes spending every working hour with Francesca halfway bearable is a big bowl of Frosties.”