Friendship effectively ended with the words 'Let's just pay for what we had'

A FRIENDSHIP has come to a close with the words ‘Let’s just pay for what we had’, it has been confirmed.

The long-standing friendship between Tom Booker and Stephen Malley died after the incident at a local restaurant.

Booker said: “When the bill arrived I expected the usual bit of theatre. Stephen would look at it thoughtfully for a moment before saying ‘let’s just split it’ which I would then agree to.

“But when he said ‘Let’s just pay for what we had’, he might as well have spat in my face and called my mother a whore.

“All I could think was ‘What did I do wrong? Why does he hate me so much that he’s forcing me to open the calculator app on my phone?”

Booker added: “Maybe he’s wanted to end our friendship for a while, but not had the guts to be straight with me. Well, checkmate I guess. Well played old friend, well played.”

Malley said: “I had a chicken salad with some tap water, he had a starter, the steak and three beers. He does this every fucking time.”

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Colleagues heading to pub after work for just one quick bitch about office bastards

TWO colleagues are going to the pub after work for just one quick bitch about the bastards in their office.

Nathan Muir, 33, and Nikki Hollis, 31, kept the plan a secret and headed to a pub just far away enough from work to be sure to not run into anyone.

During the conversation they referred to their co-workers by the fun nicknames they had invented for them including ‘The Wanker’, ‘The Hippy’ and ‘The Peado’.

They also spoke of the two pairs of colleagues both nicknamed ‘The Fuckers’; ‘The Fuckers (Metaphorical)’ are their respective line managers while ‘The Fuckers (Literal)’ comprise of Linda and Aaron in marketing who are having an achingly obvious affair.

The entire IT department was mocked by pretending to answer the phone and saying “Hello, dysfunctional tech twats?”.

After the bitching session, a few failed attempts at small talk revealed that Muir and Hollis  have nothing in common apart from hating their bastard colleagues.

They then returned to their homes to slag each other off to their respective partners.