Man who is great with kids would make terrible father

A MAN who everyone says is ‘good with children’ would be a horribly incompetent father, it has emerged.

Tom Logan is convinced he would be dad of the century based on short bursts of responsibility-free time with other people’s children.

However, it has been conformed, that just one day of actual parenting would expose how wildly unsuited he is.

Logan’s friend Helen Archer said: “We tell Tom he is great with kids because he is, in the same way as a children’s entertainer who doesn’t have to get them ready for school or decide whether to take them to A&E.”

Logan said: “I don’t tend to say this around other people, but parenting really is a piece of piss.

“The so-called experts won’t tell you this, but kids love sweet foods, playing video games on your phone and generally arsing around. You just have to do those three things.

“Keep it simple, that’s my philosophy. When I’m a dad I’ll probably write a blog about it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Yay, now it's our turn to call people traitors, confirms Labour

A SPLIT in the Labour party today means both of Britain’s leading political parties will spend all their time constantly denouncing traitors. 

Following the departure of Chuka Umunna and six other moderates to form a tiny, pointless centrist party, Labour will cease opposing the Conservatives and focus all its efforts on the Judases from within its own ranks. 

Guardian columnist Owen Jones said: “Everyone knows the Tories are bad. The thrill of fighting them’s long since worn off. These treasonous fuckers? Death’s too good for them. They need parading in the streets of Liverpool with bells tolling their moderate shame. 

“There’s nothing healthier than a country where both major parties are entirely focused on the back-stabbing turncoats on their own side, and what better time than when facing a national crisis neither is willing to address? 

“Traitors! Traitors! Ah, it feels so good to finally scream it. You know, I kind of get where the Brexiters are coming from now.” 

Party member Norman Steele said: “Ah, I remember when Corbyn was a traitor. Of course, because it was him we called him a ‘rebel’.”