SUPERMARKET giant Asda has launched a new campaign pledging to maintain the least attractive customer base in Britain.
The store has guaranteed that reasonably normal-looking shoppers will never have to feel genetically inferior to at least 87% of its regulars.
Asda marketing director, Julian Cook, said: “We’re actually coaxing particularly unappealing members of the public in with free buns, ensuring that after every visit you’ll walk through the exit feeling like the belle of the ball.
“Compare that to Waitrose, where you’re like desperate, half-dead pond life next to the perfectly-proportioned middle class families with their magnificent shoes and their shiny skin and their flowing, lustrous hair.”
The repugnance of the Asda-dwellers has been independently verified by experts from Centre for Faces at Reading University. Professor Nikki Hollis said: “Although it’s hard to be scientific about these things, it’s not really.
“The Asdas we visited contained genuinely unfortunate-looking people who smelled of horse sweat and stale peaches – the types who consider teeth to be a luxury item.
“We saw tracksuits rotted away at the crotch, draggy limbs and chipped, ill-fitting glass eyes. Then you’ve got the plain strange, like the bald old woman with a pine marten on a length of string, who was racially abusing a jar of pesto in Spanish.
“Certainly they were a more motley bunch than you’d get in Tesco or even Morrison’s and we left feeling like we were, comparatively, dripping with sex.”
She added: ‘”And do try the custard doughnuts, they’re very good.”