Boss worried compliment might be incitement to ask for pay rise

A BUSINESS owner is concerned that a compliment paid to workers will make them demand more cash.

Tom Logan, who runs an engineering firm, made an appreciative comment to a group of staff after a week of record-breaking sales.

While making his rounds of the shop floor, the usually terse Logan said: “Nice one guys. Good work.”

However he now fears that his emotional generosity may backfire: “Normally I’m just moody and don’t say anything to staff that isn’t a command or a perfunctory query about how their weekend was, pitched just right so that they know I don’t really care.

“After my reckless compliment they’re all going to be banging on my door demanding above-inflation pay rises, sabbaticals, time off to do massage courses, that sort of thing.

“Saying ‘nice one’ was a mistake but using the phrase ‘good work’ was just pouring petrol on the flames. This is a monster balls up.

“They’ll think I reckon their work is good, which I generally don’t. The main thing however is that they can’t have more money, because then it’s less money for me.

“Now I have to prepare my spiel about how tough things are, because of the banks and so forth.”

Employee Mary Fisher said: “I was quite shocked when Mr Logan made his nice remark. I think it’s the first time he’s ever noticed me apart from pulling me aside for a warning about wearing too much makeup.

“I never knew he was actually such a good person.”

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Fans extrapolate whole season from first game

FOOTBALL fans have decided exactly how everything in their lives will develop over the next nine months.

Entire narratives, life-changing events and even romantic liaisons have all been assumed from the first 90 minutes of football played so far.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Based on yesterday’s game Stoke fans will assume life will be dreary, uneventful with occasional moments of breathtaking unfairness which, living in Stoke, seems likely.

“But Liverpool fans, based on the same game, will see themselves mooching around not doing very much before stealing something with a few minutes to spare. Which, well… yes.”

Hayes added: “Like a butterfly beating its wings and causing a typhoon halfway round the world, some overpaid arsehole missing a sitter might mean an absolutely shit January.”

The carefully crafted personal storylines will be discarded and rewritten following next weekend’s matches, to be replaced with a whole new set of fears, catastrophes and, in the case of Sunderland fans, screaming constantly into a pillow.