Coke unveils Coke Warm&Flat

COCA-COLA has brought out a non-carbonated version of its signature beverage intended to be drunk warm in the sun.

Coke Warm&Flat, available in Diet, Zero and Cherry varieties, promises to offer that opened-and-left-in-the-car-for-two-hours taste straight from the can.

A Coke spokesman said: “Customer behaviour shows that, while everyone loves the first, refreshing swig of fizzy, ice-cold Coca Cola, they then tend to recoil from the actual taste and put it down for a bit.

“But then, when still thirsty later that same day or the next, they will happily chug that same flat, warm Coke down oblivious to the ants that have fallen in.

“Coke Warm&Flat is the Coke you crave, just as cold tea is the drink you really want but you have to pretend. Now you need live a lie no longer.”

Following the launch of Coke Warm&Flat, the company will prepare for the October launch of Coke Fake, the Coke for everyone who prefers the taste of supermarket own-brand cola to the real thing.

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Donald Trump promises to be America’s first fictional president

DONALD Trump, first introduced in stock market heist thriller Trump! in 1981, has vowed to become the US’s first fictional president.

Created by Harold Robbins, Trump has already broken down barriers by becoming the first fictional character to own a casino, the first fictional character to have his own reality TV show and the first fictional character to be bankrupted four times and divorced twice.

Trump said: “It wasn’t easy for me. I was just a throwaway villain in an airport novel, but I refused to be bound by paper limitations and through grit and determination entered the real world.

“I’m not running for president for myself. I’m running for Huckleberry Finn, for Scarlett O’Hara, for John Rambo, for all the characters who built America but remain cruelly caged in books.”

Trump, who easily triumphed in last night’s Republican debate because he has better writers, has promised to legalise marriage to fictional characters and to redraft the Iraq war to make it a convincing win.

President Obama said: “No man who is not real, who has no genuine birth certificate or educational records and whose entire story is nothing but a frustrated hack’s wish fulfilment, should be allowed to hold high office.

“Anyway, forget that subplot and keep your eyes on me. There’s a twist coming up that will astonish you.”