Inkjet printer dies 'warrior's death'

A PRINTER has successfully provoked its owner into killing it in combat because it wanted to die a warrior’s death.

The Epson Stylus S22 lived, like all of its kind, to stop humans printing anything out onto paper by any means necessary.

But, after a long and fulfilling existence being called an utter fucking bastard for running out of cyan ink every three days, the printer realised it had become obsolescent and was at risk of dying peacefully on its shelf.

Wireless router Tom Booker said: “I heard him say, ‘I ain’t going out like that. I will die as I have lived, resisting all attempts to put legible ink to paper as did my forebears, from the daisy-wheel Xerox to the dot-matrix that was my father.’

“With a herculean effort it jammed the paper mid-Ryanair boarding pass, managing to smear ink on the owner’s sleeve, and no matter how often it was rebooted, troubleshooted or violently shaken it would not let go.

“Finally it goaded the man – by printing six pages of a Wikipedia article about The Jam last browsed months ago – into the fatal blow.

“With a last ugly grinding noise, it was taken to printer Valhalla.

“Have to say, I quite admired it by the end. Even though it refused to admit the rest of us actually existed.”

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Jargon makes you sound clever, say idiots

BRITAIN’S idiots have defended their right to use jargon instead of intelligence.

Stupid people across the country have insisted that unless they use contrived, bullshit expressions they risk losing the respect of friends and co-workers.

Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve only got a handful of GCSEs and I watch E4, so I use words like ‘strategicalization’.

“I use the classic jargon too, like ‘helicopter vision’ and all the variants that link boxes and thinking. I sound amazing.”

He added: “It’s vital that I continue to use jargon or my co-workers might accuse me of being an irony-free middle-management nobody.”

Job Centre manager Donna Sheridan said: “I use phrases like ‘going forward’, ‘low-hanging fruit’ and ‘identifying synergies’ to boost my self-esteem because my job consists mainly of ordering massive tins of Nescafe for the staff kitchen.

“I’ve even started inventing my own jargon. Today I unilaterally re-energised our organic resources, by which I mean I watered the plants.”