THE iconic Machin Head
portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price’s steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been confirmed.
Falling postal traffic volumes have forced the country’s largest skive refuge and bad back clinic to consider images more appealing to modern Britain, including a ketchup-soaked mashed turkey product or a glowing crack pipe.
Postal executive, Martin Bishop, said: “Our only fear is that the average postman needs no encouragement to sit on the cludgie for hours, so being in possession of a sack full of mimsy pictures could tip them into total inertia.
“The public have become accustomed to receiving their letters a week late and partially opened to check for valuables, but I think if they were all spunky it could damage our reputation.”
Bishop also predicted that future stamp designs will reflect the contents of the posted item, such as a table full of scratchcards and Sovereign fags for DSS mail, while utility bill stamps will feature a sobbing pensioner being violated by a famous horse.
The monarch has featured on every stamp since 1840, when the presence of a lady on the front of an envelope meant postmen had to tip their hat before delivering each item.
The current Queen’s portrait means she holds the record of being the second-most reproduced female artwork behind that tennis bird scratching her arse.
Meanwhile at least one daily newspaper has warned that a foreign-owned Royal Mail etc etc, something to do with sex crime and diseased gypsies.