Foreigners to replace Queen's head with Jordan's fandango

THE iconic Machin Head
portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price’s steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been confirmed.

Falling postal traffic volumes have forced the country’s largest skive refuge and bad back clinic to consider images more appealing to modern Britain, including a ketchup-soaked mashed turkey product or a glowing crack pipe.

Postal executive, Martin Bishop, said: “Our only fear is that the average postman needs no encouragement to sit on the cludgie for hours, so being in possession of a sack full of mimsy pictures could tip them into total inertia.

“The public have become accustomed to receiving their letters a week late and partially opened to check for valuables, but I think if they were all spunky it could damage our reputation.”

Bishop also predicted that future stamp designs will reflect the contents of the posted item, such as a table full of scratchcards and Sovereign fags for DSS mail, while utility bill stamps will feature a sobbing pensioner being violated by a famous horse.

The monarch has featured on every stamp since 1840, when the presence of a lady on the front of an envelope meant postmen had to tip their hat before delivering each item.

The current Queen’s portrait means she holds the record of being the second-most reproduced female artwork behind that tennis bird scratching her arse.

Meanwhile at least one daily newspaper has warned that a foreign-owned Royal Mail etc etc, something to do with sex crime and diseased gypsies.



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Are we supposed to be doing something about all this snow? asks government

MINISTERS are to launch a consultation on
whether they are supposed to be clearing away all this
snow that seems to be everywhere.

As winter’s icy fist smashed Britain repeatedly in the face, transport secretary Philip Hammond said there may have to be a fundamental review of the government’s priorities, particularly if people wanted it to do stuff.

He added: “As far as I understand it, if we spend money on one thing then we can’t spend it on a different thing at the same time.

“So we can either clear away all this snow, or we can have a bi-annual inter-departmental swivel chair ergonomics audit, but we can’t have both. But government is about putting on your hard face and making tough choices with your pointy finger.”

Meanwhile, Mr Hammond has also asked Professor John Beddington, Britain’s cleverest man, to build a time machine, visit every winter for the next 50 years and then come back to 2010 and tell us how much salt we should order at the last minute.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “As far as I understand it, government is a mechanism for delivering opportunity and fairness. But the difficulty with that – in terms of service provision – is that it’s just a load of shit they use to justify spending my money on whatever they fucking want.

“So I would really, really love it if the government could do actual things.”

He added: “I’m thinking doctors and nurses and the equipment they require; teachers who can instruct children how to read, write and do sums; a few police forces; some fire brigades and a coastguard; one big submarine with a doomsday machine on it and plenty of fucking gritters.

“And absolutely nothing else.”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “I largely agree with that though I would stockpile even more gritters and just scrap the coastguard.

“It’s not my fault if some retired accountant doesn’t know how to drive a boat.”