Global Economy Now Run By F*cknuts

THE US Federal Reserve is to give everyone in America a spaniel in a bid to prevent recession in the world’s biggest economy. 

It is the largest domestic pet the US central bank has given out, and almost ten times the size of the chinchilla issued to every household in the wake of the dotcom crash of March 2000.

Wayne Hayes, an analyst at Conceptomatix, welcomed the move to a spaniel-based economy, adding that the breed was one of the biggest single generators of additional spending, more costly even than a fat child.

He said: "Shoes, vomit remover, electric fencing, a cattle prod, two new sofas and a mobile phone. All those will have to be bought in the first two weeks."

Meanwhile, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke urged people 'to just buy shit and worry about it later', including electric brooms, homeopathic remedies, Cillit Bang, and anything advertised by Carol Vorderman, apart from Farmfoods.

He said: "The world has been brought to the brink of depression by a ridiculous consumer spending spree fuelled by cheap credit and home makeover shows. So let's keep it going."

Bernanke said the only way to prevent the current unsustainable consumer bubble from bursting was by slashing interest rates and creating another even bigger one for someone else to worry about after he had moved to Goldman Sachs.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: "We conducted a detailed analysis of every major policy decision taken by every central banker in the world over the last 10 years and came to inescapable conclusion that they're a collection of fuckin' idiots."

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Clooney Bags Oscar Nod For 'Timothy Claypole'

GEORGE Clooney has landed a fourth Oscar nomination for his acclaimed performance as a tormented 12th Century court jester.

In Timothy Claypole, Clooney plays the mischevious fool who is given a second chance at life and love when he joins a suburban ghost rental business.

Clooney said last night: “Beneath the gadzooks and the ods bodkins, ‘Claypole’ is a film about how ghost renting lost its way after Watergate.”

But the heart-throb faces stiff competition in the best actor category from Daniel Day Lewis, who delivers a completely unnecessary performance in the hot beverage epic There Will Be Tea.

Day Lewis plays a very young and a very old Earl Grey as he strives to build the biggest tea bag the world has ever seen.

The hottest British hope is Allotment starring Keira Knightley and James McAvoy. The film follows two rivals over 30 years as they battle for supremacy in the rented vegetable plots of post-war Derby.

Knightley gets a best actress nod for her role as Albert Simms, a five-time brocolli champion who refuses to grow spinach but won’t say why.

Meanwhile McAvoy was completely ignored for his spirited performance as Annabel Croft, a young schoolteacher who scandalises her fellow allotmentmen with her use of canes.

Australian sex-horse Cate Blanchett picks up two nominations for her performance as Bob Dylan’s feet in the avant-garde biopic I’m Not In, and a third nomination for her portrayal of Elizabeth in Elizabeth: The Elizabeth Years.

Other Oscar tips include the Coen Brothers’ No John Goodmans for Old Men, the moving French film, My Left Eyelid, about a man who blinks his way across the English Channel, and the stark, brooding western, The Assassination of Dermot Murnaghan by the Coward Nicholas Witchell.