Hard-Up Queen Forced To Sell Princess Anne

PRINCESS Anne was put up for sale last night as the Queen looked to plug a £32 million hole in her finances.

The Queen has been forced to give up her controlling interest in the Olympic horsewoman in a bid to raise cash for essential roof repairs and asbestos removal at her eight gigantic palaces.

There is already strong interest in the 57 year-old Princess from Moscow and Beijing, where she is regarded as a great delicacy.

Meanwhile the Royal Bank of Scotland has made no secret of its desire to buy 51% of  the Princess as a first step towards an eventual takeover of Prince Andrew and the Duke of Kent.

A 10% stake in Princess Anne would give shareholders the right to bring their own horse to Trooping the Colour and spend two weeks a year as patron of Save the Children and the St John Ambulance Association.

They will also get seats on the half-way line at Murrayfield and two free bets at some of the Princess's favourite dog fighting pits.

Royal expert Denys Finch-Hatton said the Queen, who owns Buckingham Palace, St James's Palace, Kensington Palace, Clarence House, Sandringham, Holyroodhouse, Windsor Castle and Balmoral, had no choice but to sell her only daughter.

He added: "How else does one raise £32 million when all one has to one's name is half of Scotland, eight gigantic palaces and the greatest art collection in the history of the world?"

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Stars Gather To Show How Worthless They Are Compared To Nelson Mandela

SOME of the biggest names in showbiz have come together in London to prove how shabby and pointless they are compared to Nelson Mandela.

Stars including Emma Thompson, Gordon Ramsay and the Sugababes shared the red carpet to speak about how happy they were that Mandela had not been beaten to death during his 30 years in a South African prison.

Thompson, an actress, said: "Nelson's sacrifice is a constant inspiration to me when I'm being paid £5 million for dressing up and pretending to be someone else."

She added: "I'm sorry, I have to go, I've just spotted Bobby, Pierce and Will sharing a joke with Uma and Elton."

Former US president Bill Clinton said: "I would often think about Nelson Mandela's years of incarceration and his efforts to unite a country so filled with hatred and mistrust when I was shoving cigars into plump young women."

He added: "I'm sorry, I have to go and ask Cherie Blair how much money she's made this year."

Mr Mandela said: "When I was chained to a radiator on Robben Island, I dreamt I would live long enough to be able to come to London for my birthday and help a bunch of self-absorbed millionaires feel even better about themselves."

He added: "I'm sorry I have to go. Bob Geldof is coming this way and I have to pretend to be dead."