Michelin Guide ‘should really mention stuff about vomiting’

THE Michelin Guide to restaurants should at least touch on the subject of vomit, it has been claimed.

As Heston Blumenthal’s London restaurant caused a wave of sickness, users of the guide said that kind of information would be helpful, alongside the little stars.

Regular eater, Wayne Hayes, said: “I’m not saying anyone should lose their stars, because I’m sure a lot of the non-poisonous food is terrific.

“But they could at least have something to indicate vomiting. Perhaps the number of people who have been violently sick in the last year.

“For instance, the entries in the guide include ‘things to know’ such as ‘booking essential’. That would seem the obvious place to put it.

“Then I’ll know that this is world-class food, only some of which is incredibly dangerous.”

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Regional businessman get their own acting school

A PROVINCIAL businessman acting school is grooming the next generation of training video and local cinema advert stars.

The Jeff Brown School Of Performing Arts offers guidance on everything from walking stiffly toward the camera while staring directly down the lens to wearing incredible wigs that look almost sentient.

Carlisle garden centre owner Wayne Hayes said: “I wanted to work on pretending to look at a laptop while accepting an empty cup of tea from my ‘PA’ who is actually my daughter.

“The tutors asked me to consider my motivation, which in this case was wanting a cup of tea.

“Once I’m really proficient my graduation piece will be waving a wad of notes whilst pointing at some compost and holding the pose for an awkward three seconds before the ad ends.”

Research shows that customers assume anyone in a small budget ad that doesn’t look like they’re appearing in a ransom video must be a professional actor.

Roy Hobbs, head of a firm of Croydon barristers, said: “For twenty years I’ve used my easy charm and good looks to host Rotary Club fundraisers and conduct a string of affairs with interns.”

“But thanks to the Jeff Brown school whenever a camera is pointed at me now, I look like I’ve been caught with my penis in the family pet.”