Middle class cocaine to come with lies about ethical origin

COCAINE sold to middle class people is to come with some blurb about being made by an ecologically-minded cartel that funds community projects.

Admit growing bourgeois concern about whether their drugs are fairly traded, dealers announced that wraps would carry a short, chatty paragraph about a Mexican syndicate that pays its workers fairly and has a canteen with a ping pong table.

Cocaine dealer Wayne Hayes said: “It’s just some bullshit about ‘Los Hombres Organicos’ and how ‘we’re different to other organised crime syndicates and have a holistic approach to staff training’.

“I’ve never met the higher-ups who make the gak that I sell, but I’m fairly sure they wear boots of human skin.

“Whatever, there’s a picture of some village kids smiling and a phone number to ring ‘for a chat’, it’s enough to keep all those middle class clients that I loathe off my back.”

Film producer Norman Steele said: “I shop ethically, so for me using coke has always been a moral grey area.

“It’s like, I feel a bit bad paying more money than many people earn in a week for a small packet of an ego-boosting chemical produced by murderers. But at the same time, I really want some cocaine.

“So it’s great to have some moral validation, however feeble.”

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Ask Holly: I have a recurring dream about Mary Berry

Dear Holly,

I keep having a recurring dream which I need help to interpret. It always begins with me slowly entering the Bake Off tent in the middle of the night. I am naked, and as I gingerly part the huge flaps of the entrance, I come across Mary Berry. She doesn’t say a word, she is too focused on vigorously massaging a massive panettone with her skilful, arthritic hands. I look beyond her and there are Sue and Mel, on their knees. Sue is hungrily guzzling an enormous French stick and Mel is nibbling on a pair of voluminous crusty cobs. No-one speaks, all I hear is the squelch of the panettone and loads of noisy slurping sounds.

So that’s basically it but I have no idea what it all means. Am I going to come into money or something?



Dear Paul,

As the great philosopher and academic Gabrielle once said, dreams can come true. But she must have been talking nonsense because if that were true, I’d be Taylor Swift and I would be married to Harry Styles and Nick Grimshaw would be our butler, and we’d have used our money to buy my school and terminate classes and turn it into a massive soft play area with free sweets for everyone and all the teachers would be banished to the PE cupboard and never allowed out, even to go to the toilet.

Hope that helps!