COCAINE sold to middle class people is to come with some blurb about being made by an ecologically-minded cartel that funds community projects.
Admit growing bourgeois concern about whether their drugs are fairly traded, dealers announced that wraps would carry a short, chatty paragraph about a Mexican syndicate that pays its workers fairly and has a canteen with a ping pong table.
Cocaine dealer Wayne Hayes said: “It’s just some bullshit about ‘Los Hombres Organicos’ and how ‘we’re different to other organised crime syndicates and have a holistic approach to staff training’.
“I’ve never met the higher-ups who make the gak that I sell, but I’m fairly sure they wear boots of human skin.
“Whatever, there’s a picture of some village kids smiling and a phone number to ring ‘for a chat’, it’s enough to keep all those middle class clients that I loathe off my back.”
Film producer Norman Steele said: “I shop ethically, so for me using coke has always been a moral grey area.
“It’s like, I feel a bit bad paying more money than many people earn in a week for a small packet of an ego-boosting chemical produced by murderers. But at the same time, I really want some cocaine.
“So it’s great to have some moral validation, however feeble.”