Millions Planning £3000 'I'm A Terrorist' Scam

MILLIONS of people across the UK are hoping to earn up to £3000 a day by pretending to be a terrorist.

With the government offering generous compensation to anyone held without charge for more than 28 days, enterprising Britons are already getting up to speed with key Jihadist phrases.

Would-be fake maniac Wayne Hayes, a shopfitter from Swindon, said: "I'm just going to wander into my local police station and say, 'I think I might be a terrorist'.

"Then, at the stroke of midnight on the 29th day I'll say, 'actually, I don't think I'm a terrorist after all'. Ker-ching!"

He added: "I'm sure some people will keep it going for the full 42 days, but I can only get four weeks off work."

Hayes is already surfing Jihadist websites and has placed two small Calor gas canisters in the boot of his Jeep Cherokee.

"I bought them for the barbecue, but we hardly ever use it, so I may as well pretend to be planning an attack on Bristol airport."

Bill McKay, a civil engineer from Leeds, said: "I'm going to get my neighbours involved. Get them to say things like, 'he's been very angry about Palestine recently and seems to have made a lot of strange new friends'."

He added: "We'd really like to put in a conservatory this year, so I reckon I'll need about 33 days."

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Offended Pikeys Steal Brundle’s Car

A GANG of upset tinks has stolen Martin Brundle’s car after the Formula One commentator called them ‘pikeys’ on national television.

The aggrieved gippoes called at Brundle’s home and offered to tarmac his drive for £50, despite the fact he had a large sign saying ‘no pikeys’ at his front gate.

Brundle said two of the tinkers distracted him with an elaborate song and dance routine while the others broke into his garage and stole his BMW M5 estate.

The former racing driver said: "I hear a knock and it’s gippoes at the door, I pointed at the sign and said 'can’t you read pikey?'

"That Beamer will be in Ireland by now, wheels off and full of pigs. How was I to know gippoes had telly?"

He added: "And by the way, I've also lost my hedge trimmers and my gas barbecue and the cat seems to have gone missing."

Inspector Bill McKay, who is leading the investigation, said: "A pikey calls and hours later a gang of illiterate, unwashed children are feasting on freshly roasted cat. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes, do you?"

An ITV spokesman apologised for Brundle’s use of the work 'pikey', adding: "It was a lighthearted remark and never intended to cause offence to either the gippoes or the tinks."