Taliban In Retreat From Nancy Boy Actors

TALIBAN forces in southern Afghanistan were in retreat last night after a fresh offensive by Britain's nancy boy actors.

The absolute darlings flounced into combat late last week and took-up a series of extremely limp-wristed positions along the Helmand River.

After applying some moisturiser and waxing their chests, they began wave after wave of beastly, high-pitched attacks on key Taliban targets.

An Army spokesman said: "They were soooo well organised. Each platoon wore colour-coded bandanas and everyone had plenty of mineral water.

"There was a slight hitch when 'C' company forgot their motivation, but we just sat them down and said, 'the Taliban are all smelly and evil and you're the big, tough soldier who's avenging the death of a very close personal friend'.

"Major Everett was especially brave, sneaking up on this really butch Taliban fighter and then slapping him very hard on the upper arm until they both started crying.

"Then they sat down and watched St Trinian's until the Taliban fellow shot himself."

He added: "Major Everett is understandably very shaken by the whole experience and has retired to his tent with a Cadbury's Chocolate Orange and a copy of Tatler."

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Alcohol Cravings Reduced By Alcohol, Says Alcoholic

CRAVINGS for alcohol are best reduced by alcohol, alcoholics said last night. 

William McKay, a problem drinker, said new drug treatments had temporarily reduced his desire for alcohol but were still less effective than two cans of Sweetheart Stout.

Mr McKay said: "As soon as I took the drugs I felt giddy and euphoric, but then again I was probably still a bit pissed.

"After about half an hour my senses were sharper and I felt balanced, relaxed and desperately in need of a drink." 

Mr McKay stressed the drug treatment is not only expensive to produce but has to be injected directly into his brain, unlike Scrumpy Jack, which he can 'neck' in less than a minute.

Insisting the drugs were unlikely to change his daily routine, he said very strong ciders remained the best way to start the day, second only to Cheerios.

Mr McKay added: "Things really pick up around 11am and after seven or eight vodkas and Irn Bru I'm ready for work.

"God, I love being a surgeon."