MARKS & Spencer is following up its new sexy underwear range with an erotic revamp of its popular food products.
After opting to sell suspender sets and crotchless panties, the supermarket feels highly sexualised food items are what typical middle-class female customers in their 50s want.
Marketing director Nathan Muir said: “Our famous quiche Lorraine will now have 36D breasts, erotically sculpted from creamy egg custard and maple-cured bacon with a cherry tomato nipple.
“For too long food at gatherings has suffered from a lack of overt sexuality, and if male customers want to find another personal use for a quiche with two large, firm breasts, no one is judging their sexual choices. But maybe don’t eat that bit.
“Fans of our ready meals won’t be disappointed either, as lasagnes and cottage pies will now feature a vagina designed by British artist Tracey Emin from a cast of her own fanny. Percy Pigs, meanwhile, will now be fully engorged.”
Stores are already reporting a downturn in sales, but Muir said: “This happens every time we try to be trendy twats and alienate our traditional customer base, but the publicity might be worth it. It’s hard to tell.”
M&S shopper Donna Sheridan said: “I’m not against sex, but I don’t want a child’s birthday cake called Colin the Cock. Now I’ve got to get one of those lame copies with a name like Lucas the Larva.”
