Press scouring Britain for remaining Brexiters

THE UK’s media has announced it will not stop searching until it has found a critical mass of between three and 15 Brexiters angry at plans to reverse it. 

The prime minister has dared to suggest that Britain would benefit from closer ties with the EU and, oddly, a nation which just seven years ago had a critical mass of No Deal nutters has not risen up in revolt against him.

Sun journalist Nathan Muir said: “What happened? They can’t all have died. At least seven per cent were relatively young and healthy.

“And it can’t be that they’ve looked rationally at the benefits Brexit has delivered and changed their minds, because these were not rational people. Facts made them angry.

“But we’re trawling areas of high deprivation – Stoke-on-Trent, Lincolnshire, the whole of the North-East – and coming back with nothing. The passion’s gone. The best we’re getting are a few old crocks muttering about not wanting to go through all that again.”

Hannah Tomlinson of Newsnight said: “It’s standard BBC practice to include a couple of raving lunatics for balance and then imply they’re the voice of the people, but where are they? Surely they’ve not all become Reform councillors.

“Unless the whole 2016-2019 period was mass hysteria orchestrated by actors on social media. But no. Believe that, and you’ll start believing Boris Johnson wasn’t real.”

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Pope's rock and roll lifestyle finally catches up with him

POPE Leo has admitted to friends that his cancer diagnosis has been a wake-up call and a warning that he cannot live life in the fast lane forever. 

The nodule found in the pontiff’s lung has been variously ascribed to his high-tar cigarette habit, roaring around St Peter’s Square on a Harley to impress girls and decades of knocking back three bottles of altar wine a night.

A Vatican spokesperson said: “His Holiness had always assumed that God had him covered. But clearly he’s been on one incense-fuelled bender too many.

“No amount of dreary sermons or road trips in his weird little car could offset the epic run he’s been on. You haven’t lived until he’s dragged you into some underground Catholic nightclub to snort lines of the sacrament off a nun.

“But as he was saying in conversation with close friends Keith Richards and Johnny Depp yesterday, pray all you like but the body keeps the score. He’s getting old. No matter how much holy water he necks at night he’s hungover until 3pm.

“No more lads’ trips to Our Lady of Lourdes, no more improvising a zipline through the Sistine Chapel, no more four-hour confession sessions detailing truly legendary depravity. From now on he’s limiting big nights to the weekends.”

God said: “I hate to do this, but it’s time for the Pope to bring the party upstairs. We’ve got Ozzy and Keith Moon but without the L-dog it’s a bit of a snooze fest.”