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I thought I was on a Tinder date, and now I'm White House press secretary

By Katie Zacharia, who only wanted to have an affair

WHAT the f**k? Why am I at a podium? Who are all these people with microphones and questions? I thought I was on a Tinder date? 

It’s so rare to meet a guy with conservative beliefs on the apps instead of all the soy boy liberals, so I was stoked. I sent all my hottest photos. I did the MAGA pout even if I can’t afford the face yet. He told me this was a restaurant.

Then the guy I assumed was the maître d’ hands me a page of notes and shows me to my table, and it’s a podium in front of a bunch of journalists asking questions about the president? And the zinfandel I ordered is nowhere?

Instead of my pre-prepared remarks about my marriage basically being over and my erotic fetish being tech billionaires encouraging the world to slide into fascism – sexy talk – I had to improvise. Gave some blather about Trump rallies being attended by 100 million.

They asked about my law degree, which I’d expected, so I stonewalled about it being from China because they can’t check that, right? Who speaks Chinese except degenerates?

The question about some ambassador I dodged by saying she was brilliant and wonderful and a team player and that’s why she was asked to resign, adapting what I’d planned to say about my husband on the fly. Got away with it.

And I fielded an awkward question about my four kids – tech guys don’t like a used vagina, they always want boxfresh – with meaningless bullshit about how family friendly Trump is, which is true until ICE deports or shoots your dad. Which I approve of. Obviously.

Anyway, I’ve got the job until at least Friday! I asked about sex. Apparently not directly but I do get to f**k over the whole world before it ghosts me. Not bad for a first date.

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You've had more partners than me, and other reasons why we need an open marriage

TRYING to convince your wife she wants an open marriage? These are the reasons why you f**king around would only make your relationship stronger: 

She’s had more partners than you

Four boyfriends? That’s hardly fair. Yes, you’re claiming nine but everyone knows only a body count multiplication factor of four counts as equality between the sexes. ‘The deficit must be corrected,’ you explain, ducking a thrown wine glass. ‘It’s not about sex. It’s about fairness. I’d definitely stop once we’d evened up.’

You’ve become more attractive

While the bloom is off her rose, you’ve improved with age. The grey in your hair gives you an edge of haughty maturity, while compared to your peers you’re not actually that fat. Once word is out you’re available, the knickers of local ladies will fly off with such force that the Met Office will issue a wind warning. It’s actually akin to a public service.

You’re underappreciated at home

She’s barely uttered those little three words ‘I love you’ since you started pestering her about ethical non-monogamy, replacing them with ‘for f**k’s sake’ and ‘not this again.’ She doesn’t get you. But others will see past the dad bod, hairy ears and large collection of cycling clothing to recognise the wild spirit within.

She doesn’t want to do a particular sex thing

You have recently – blame the internet – developed an interest in a niche sexual activity which your wife finds deeply unappealing. Therefore you must be fundamentally incompatible, and your needs must be met by another. You’ve been up all night on Feeld and have several likely candidates. Is it so hard to turn a blind eye?

Your children have stolen your spark

Several times a week you’re left with the children for as long as 90 minutes a go, and it’s left you emasculated and exhausted. The only solution is energetic sex with gorgeous women, which will definitely occur when you slide onto Tinder to delight them with a pic of you holding a pint at a wedding in 2014, captioned ‘just seeing what’s out there’.

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