No Deal Brexit could see Waitrose become billionaire-only

ONLY customers with a net worth of a billion-plus will be able to afford Waitrose if Britain leave the EU without a deal, the supermarket has warned.

Waitrose has advised its regular customers that when food prices rise due to a No Deal Brexit they will be no better than Aldi shoppers while it becomes the exclusive retailer to Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg and James Dyson.

A spokesman said: “Currently our store is within the reach of ordinary six-figure earners, if they’re feeling flush. But not if we crash out of the EU.

“If that were to happen even the carrier bags would require a mortgage. A big shop would cost more than the country’s annual GDP, and you’d have to unlock the trollies with a Bitcoin.

“Our car parks will be converted into marinas so the clientele could swing by in their megayachts after the morning school run, and you can forget about topping up your KeepCup unless you’ve been gifted a windfall from a Nigerian prince.

“Our new shoppers will love our new ranges, like 233,000 hectares of Scottish forest, Alaskan mining rights, a 116-story central London apartment block, and Lionel Messi.”

Waitrose shopper Francesca Johnson said: “They can’t take away my cherished memories of paying £3.50 for Duchy Organic Cypriot Halloumi.”

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Have you memorised your Wetherspoons emergency survival plan?

IN THE event of a Covid outbreak in your local ‘Spoons, fast and decisive action by punters is required. Here is the chain’s advice to read and commit to memory.

Listen for the warning siren

At no small cost, every Spoons has installed a siren to warn customers about Covid. When you hear it, rush to the bar and neck as many pints as possible. You don’t want the bloody police shutting the pub when you’re merely merry. You need to be proper shitfaced.

Keep calm

Easier said than done in a life-or-death situation. But half of Wetherspoons’ customers think Covid is a load of bollocks and the rest are paralytically pissed, so panic will probably not be a problem.

Collect your emergency rations

Every Wetherspoons keeps a large stock of high-protein food for times of crisis. In a Covid outbreak, report to the kitchen and collect 14 days’ worth of fried eggs, onion rings, cheap sausages, chicken wings and chips topped with melted cheese. It’ll make you strong.

Dispose of dead drinks

No man left behind, the US military says, and it’s the same for drinks. When other customers have abandoned their half-drunk pints and fled it’s your duty to collect them and give them a soldier’s funeral by knocking them back. Be prepared to fight other patrons for the privilege.

Take up defensive positions

A Covid outbreak may be followed by a second wave of virus attacks. They’re invisible to the naked eye, but forming a circle with your mates and punching the air wildly is bound to get some of the little bastards.

Proceed in an orderly fashion to the bunker

If the situation reaches what Wetherspoons’ scientists call ‘Code Red’, you will be required to move to the hermetically sealed bunker underneath the pub. These are well-stocked in case of a No Deal Brexit, and you can emerge in 2021 safe in the knowledge that all the Remainers are dead.