Tuesday, 11th May 2021

UK law now opt-in

BRITISH law now only applies to you if you ticked the box when you were filling in the form, it has emerged. 

Following the passing of the UK’s law-breaking Internal Market Bill in the Commons last night, the country’s laws have switched from automatically applying to all citizens to only being valid if you deliberately opted in.

Justice secretary Robert Buckland QC said: “Laws aren’t for everyone. We in the Conservative party, unlike our unimaginative and dogmatic opponents, recognise that.

“So from now on you’ll regularly be asked, whenever filling out any government form online, if you want to continue living under our legal regime or if you’d prefer an exciting, zesty, buccaneering life outside the law such as the prime minister enjoys.

“We expect millions of Britons, sick of activist judges and politically correct police forces, will go for the latter. Or they’ll be confused by the wording on the form and do it by accident.

“It’s a new era for Britain. We may provide your details to carefully selected partners who will offer you opportunities to take part in heists. Our liability is expressly waived.”

Brexiter Norman Steele of Hythe said: “Why do we need laws when we’ve got good British common sense? Oh, my car’s gone.”