No work done since last Tuesday

BRITAIN’S workers have long since stopped doing anything remotely productive, it emerged last night.

Despite employees being obliged to keep turning up until pretty much the end of the week, nothing much at all has been done across the entire spectrum of British industry since about 11.25 am on the 14th of December.

Office unit, Martin Bishop, said: “It’s a bit like non-uniform day at school, except it lasts for about a fortnight and you probably shouldn’t bring Mousetrap in. You still have to arrive every morning, but really you’re just flesh on a chair.

“Pick up the phone a couple of times a day while making a serious face and you won’t get any bother.

“By this stage I’ve already looked at everything on the internet that remotely interests me, including things that are as near to porn as I think I can reasonably get away with. Luckily I found an old magazine about antique chairs in the recycling bin so that’s been keeping me going.”

He added: “Tum-de-tum-de-tum.”

Employment expert, Emma Bradford, said: “It’s not strictly true to say that the entire UK pretty much gave up doing anything a fortnight ago. There’s still some people working hard, who can be categorised mainly as ‘hospital workers’, ‘shop staff’ and ‘twats’.”

Tube driver Roy Hobbs added: “In my line of work, you can’t really slack off over the festive season, what with all the Christmas shoppers making the train slightly heavier.

“And while, as we all know, a child could do this job with their eyes shut, it’s times like this when I could really do with a hot bath and a nice relaxing strike based on absolutely nothing.”



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Earthquake frightens Cumbrians into giving up incest

CUMBRIANS have imposed a moratorium on sex with close relatives amid fears they may have angered a supernatural being who lives deep in the ground.

Cultural seismologists said last night’s earthquake would be interpreted across the region as an intervention from some form of deity who is displeased with fundamental aspects of the north western lifestyle.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Their first instinct will be to give up their long held commitment to passionate incest, at least temporarily.

“If they remain quake-free for about a fortnight they’ll assume it was just a slap on the wrist and return to their narrow-band rutting.

“If, however, there are a series of reasonably strong aftershocks then we may be witnessing the first tentative steps towards a Cumbrian establishing an intimate relationship with a second or even third cousin.”

Previous natural events have engineered a shift in Cumbrian behaviour. Locals insist a week of gale force winds in October 1997 was the Archangel Brian expressing his concern over the first topless rat dancing club in Workington.

Since 1998 all dancing rats in the county must wear bras or bikini tops.

Meanwhile the recent heavy snowfall has left many Cumbrians wondering if they should discontinue the centuries old practice of firing bespectacled women into the sea using an enormous rubber band.