NORTHERN Rock has now been reduced to its two constituent words, its directors have told angry shareholders.
Chairman Bryan Sanderson said the word ‘Northern’ is valued at £80 while the much shorter ‘Rock’ is probably worth around £44.50, due to the ‘k’.
He said both words would be auctioned, and any money left after the bank had repaid the £50 billion it owed the taxpayer would be used to buy biscuits.
Mr Sanderson said: “I and my fellow directors and executives have received millions of pounds in wages and bonuses to keep this piece of shit going for a few months. Let me assure you it has been an incredibly sweet deal.
“We all have huge houses, big cars, expense accounts and are having affairs with dirty secretaries who can see which way the wind is blowing.
“We haven’t lost any of our savings and we have great pensions. Aha ha ha ha ha.”
He added: “Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Aha ha ha ha. Aha ha. Ha.”
Mr Sanderson said shareholders would soon be able to choose between a ‘big fat zero’ if the bank was nationalised or ‘absolutely fuck all’ if some greedy idiot could be duped into a take over.
“Whatever happens, I promise I’ll send you all a postcard from Sardinia.”