Northern Rock Now Just Two Words

NORTHERN Rock has now been reduced to its two constituent words, its directors have told angry shareholders. 

Chairman Bryan Sanderson said the word ‘Northern’ is valued at £80 while the much shorter ‘Rock’ is probably worth around £44.50, due to the ‘k’.

He said both words would be auctioned, and any money left after the bank had repaid the £50 billion it owed the taxpayer would be used to buy biscuits.

Mr Sanderson said: “I and my fellow directors and executives have received millions of pounds in wages and bonuses to keep this piece of shit going for a few months. Let me assure you it has been an incredibly sweet deal.

“We all have huge houses, big cars, expense accounts and are having affairs with dirty secretaries who can see which way the wind is blowing.

“We haven’t lost any of our savings and we have great pensions. Aha ha ha ha ha.”

He added: “Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Aha ha ha ha. Aha ha. Ha.”

Mr Sanderson said shareholders would soon be able to choose between a ‘big fat zero’ if the bank was nationalised or ‘absolutely fuck all’ if some greedy idiot could be duped into a take over.

“Whatever happens, I promise I’ll send you all a postcard from Sardinia.”

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Firms Not Allowed To Ask Why Your CV Is Filled With Lies

POTENTIAL employers are to be barred from asking interviewees why their CVs are filled with rubbish from beginning to end.

A recent CBI study suggested that if workers were forced to tell the truth on their resumés, Britain's employment rate would drop to roughly zero.

The government has now expanded the list of 'no-go' interview questions, allowing candidates to portray themselves as hard-working and intelligent, rather than lazy fantasists who spend all day playing Facebook Scrabble.

John Hutton, the secretary of state for business, said: "The last thing we need is to lift up this particular rock.

"Far better to carry on believing that everything is true and that everyone is just great."

Other 'no-go' interview questions will include:

  • If you're not gay, then what's with the shoes?

  • Really? Because you look Jewish

  • Why are you that fat?

  • Did you mean to dress like a Latvian prostitute?

  • Really? Because you look like a Lib Dem

  • Do you socialise with the other kiddie-fiddlers?

Mr Hutton added: "When I look at my own CV it says that I am a good team player, I use my initiative and that I have a triple first in maths, sculpture and heart surgery from Yale. Bollocks, the lot of it.

"I'm actually profoundly under-qualified and unable to dress myself, but do you want to be the business secretary? Let me assure you, it's absolutely fucking tedious."