Public furious at competent bankers

THE public has called for the RBS bankers who made a £1 billion profit to be replaced by bungling hate figures.

The bank’s best results since 2008 have left people confused about who to blame their financial woes on.

Builder Stephen Malley said: “I’ve never got any money and for the last six years I’ve known exactly whose fault that was – the bankers who lost it all gambling on bonds or something.

“But now they’re doing better, so I’m forced to consider the idea that my six grand overdraft and failure to make mortgage payments could be my responsibility.

“Fire those bastards and put somebody who hasn’t got a fucking clue in charge.

“I’m available.”

A spokesman for the British Banking Association said: “This is a difficult situation for us.

“On the one hand, RBS needs to show a paper profit in order to increase bonuses to absurd levels which is, after all, the whole point of banking.

“On the other, on no account can anyone be allowed to think that a business in public ownership could be in any way successful. It’s a real dilemma.”

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4x4 drivers demand worse roads

DRIVERS of 4×4 offroad vehicles are campaigning for more challenging roads with rubble and other hazards.

Mother-of-two Helen Archer, who uses a Land Rover Freelander for the school run, has attacked her local council for failing to test the vehicle’s rugged all-terrain capabilities.

She said: “In the advert, where the car drove across the Australian outback, it seemed like it would be well worth the £45,000.

“But the roads between the house and Rory and Belle’s school in Parsons Green are pretty well tarmacked and offer no white knuckle thrills whatsoever.

“I’ve tried to find a shortcut for the journey but the only way is through back gardens and there are just too many trampolines for that to be viable.

“The council’s policy of maintaining road surfaces is making me, and all the other mums, feel like idiots for driving quasi-military vehicles.”

Pressure group Parents 4 Offroad has petitioned Hammersmith & Fulham council to smash roads with jack hammers and leave them as shallow pits filled with jagged wreckage.

Archer continued: “I pay my taxes. And if the roads gave me a bit more excitement, I’d probably stop mounting the pavement and knocking people over.”