REBEKAH Brooks is clearly keeping the Murdochs out of jail, it has emerged.
As James Murdoch closed the most successful newspaper in the western world rather than sack a devious harpie, experts said that harpie must have some weapons-grade shit up her sleeve.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Jesus fucking Christ, they must have killed a tramp.”
The News of the World will be axed on Sunday, followed a day later by Brooks returning to work at a desk that is obviously filled with grisly secrets.
And today Brooks’ former protegé Andy Coulson will be arrested and charged with not wearing a disguise and following James and Rupert Murdoch when they went on one of their late night, East End killing sprees.
Martin Bishop, media analyst at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “No-one was calling for the paper to be closed, apart from the usual Twitter monkeys. If they had sacked Brooks and waved a batch of former executives off to prison, then slowly but surely things would have returned to normal, what with the British public being, you know, idiots.
“I reckon there’s a refrigerated dungeon full of Brazilian kids and Rupert eats a fresh one every day.”
Meanwhile accountants raised the possibility that the whole thing is just an elaborate tax dodge.
Despite the Murdochs’ effort to draw a line under calling their Sunday tabloid journalism the News of the World, tax experts caught the faint whiff of financial genius.
Helen Archer, from Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: “I would not be surprised if Rupert Murdoch invented phone hacking after discovering a loophole which allows you to save hundreds of millions of pounds if you shut down a newspaper based on outrage.
“And even though they pay fuck all tax anyway, a good accountant can always get you a refund.”
But Professor Brubaker added: “Nah, I reckon it’s got something to do with a grainy photo of some oiled teenage boys, forming a human pyramid.”