YOU never know what’s going to happen so you might as well eat a load of crisps, doctors said last night.
As new research throws doubt on the link between heart attacks and flavour, an increasing number of medical professionals have realised that the world is also full of buses and falling masonry.
Stephen Malley, a GP from Hitchin, said: “I had this one patient, didn’t eat red meat, exercised every day, drank litres of filtered water, got hit by lightning while doing squat thrusts. Flash, boom, human jerky. Makes you think, right?
“He probably had a miserable existence, devoid of delicious crisps, and for no benefit whatsoever. I mean, has anyone ever had a brilliantly uproarious night in the gym?”
He added: “Plus, in case you hadn’t noticed, doctors smoke and drink shitloads. That’s why we mostly look awful, with quadruple ‘melty face’ type eye bags. But I’ll tell you what, we’re having the time of our lives.
“So have cream and fags and whatever nice things you like. In my professional opinion you should fill your boots because one day those boots may contain a deadly scorpion.”
Consultant Emma Bradford said: “Some lovely foods may be a bit bad for you, but only in a really ambiguous way.
“If you listed everything in order of lethalness, salt and butter would be some way below shrapnel bombs and totally mental snakes.
“Incidentally, I know this woman who only eats orange cheese and she’s fine.”