ANYONE who tries to leave Facebook will be shot, Mark Zuckerberg said last night.
The billionaire pimple has ordered the construction of concrete watchtowers, 50 metres apart around the perimeter of his social network, manned by armed guards wielding sniper rifles and bazookas.
He said: “There is now no reason for you to leave. If you leave that means you are insane and if you are insane then you have become a threat to the stability and harmony of the network. And if you are a threat then, naturally, you must be eliminated.
“Everything you need is here, except Google, but we are working on a much better version of that and therefore anyone who still wants to use it has declared themselves to be dangerously unstable.
“We’ll soon see how much better they think it is when they find their bullet-ridden corpse buried in an unmarked grave next to the kitchens.”
Facebook users have welcomed the watchtowers insisting that limiting their movements so ruthlessly is bound to make their lives less confusing and traumatic.
Helen Archer, from Finsbury Park, said: “I like to keep my area nice and clean, that way I get more time on the snooker table.”
Zuckerberg added: “These watchtowers, bristling with state-of-the-art death, are a key element in our never-ending pursuit of awesomeness.
“But do not see them as an instantly lethal expression of authority, instead see them as a cutting edge utility that you absolutely should not fucking mess with.
“You may now feel free to discuss these issues incoherently with your friends.”