Tesco throwing away four cans of lager per year

BRITISH branches of Tesco throw away a fiver’s worth of alcohol every year, they have confirmed.

Although each store discards tons of fresh bread, fruit and vegetables, staff cannot remember the last time booze stayed on the shelf more than a week.

Branch manager Tom Logan said: “We’re shovelling rotten salad into the skip every night, but a can of Stella hasn’t gone past its ‘drink by’ date since the last but one Labour government.

“They’re usually queuing up to meet the delivery van on a Friday afternoon before it even reaches the shelves.

“I did once chuck a four-pack of Foster’s away but only because I caught a customer licking it.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “If these shops are serious about cutting waste they should start soaking out-of-date salad bags in vodka.

“I’ve tried it and home and the results are very tangy, it’s salad for grown-ups.”

Sale assistant Emma Bradford said: “Sorry, go back a bit, you’re implying lager can go mouldy?

“I need to get home immediately.”

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Everyone to be given a lump of uranium

DAVID Cameron is to reduce energy prices by giving every household a lump of radioactive material.

The unstable isotope will be delivered by Parcelforce along with instructions on how to make a home fission reactor and a self-assembly kit.

Householders will be permitted to turn conservatories into nuclear power plants without planning permission, provided the cooling towers are no more than 200 feet tall.

Father-of-two Stephen Malley has been given a chunk of uranium as part of a pilot scheme: “I’m into brewing my own beer and keeping bees. I suppose generating your own nuclear energy isn’t much different.

“Also having the reactor in the shed means that the wife and kids can’t come in because of ‘contamination risk’ which means I stay in here all weekend smoking fags.”

Malley’s wife Nikki said: “At first it was worrying because the kids kept taking the uranium into the garden to play ‘nuclear catch’.

“I do have safety reservations but if the neighbours, who I’ve never trusted, are going be technically a nuclear power then I think we should be too.

Carlisle taxi driver Wayne Hayes said: “I’m going to put mine in the fuel tank of my cab which I’m fairly confident will turn it into some kind of time machine.

“Obviously punctuality is a big deal in my job so the option of going back in time to avoid a congested route would be a huge boon.”