Ant And Dec Sweep Board At Common People's TV Awards

GEORDIE simians Anthony and Declan were the chief recipients at last night's Common People's Television Awards.

The insolent duo were the undoubted stars of the celebrity-ridden ceremony at London's finest Holiday Inn.

The annual awards are a celebration of the best in British entertainment enjoyed by people who drink directly from the can.

The Newcastle-born Roman Catholics received rosettes for their programmes I'm A Celebrity…And That's All and The Saturday Night Abomination.

They were also chosen as Great Britain's Least Appalling Variety Entertainers.

Dr Who? the BBC's contribution to scientific fiction, received a prize for the Show With The Greatest Number of Ooohs and Aaahs.

The programme's principal actor, David Tennant, a Glaswegian, said: "Ahm totally fuckin' chuffed tae bits byra way and ahm gonna get totally pished up noo and start a rammy."

Ms Jemima Skank, an actress in The Eastenders, was named Woman Who Will Do Things Your Wife Finds Disgusting, while Jeremy Clarkson, a Yorkshireman, collected a certificate for Man Your Dinner Party Guests May Find Amusing.

The lavish ceremony included more than 200 cases of Jacob's Creek, chicken gujongs with a spicy Mexican dip and After Eight mints.

Each guest received a complimentary copy of You've Been Framed in the Most Ghastly Fashion.

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Leave bacon out of this, health experts warned

HEALTH experts have been issued with a ‘final warning’ after advising consumers to give up bacon.

Following claims that bacon is ‘unhealthy’, angry mobs gathered outside clinics, laboratories and hospitals chanting ‘death to the men in white coats’ and ‘whoever defames the pig should be executed’.

Bill McKay, from Dorchester, said he would rather disembowel himself than live without bacon, the only meat to be approved by the Vegetarian Society.

He added: “We’ve taken a lot of shit from these people over the years. Perhaps the time has come to throw our health experts in jail.”

Rona Cameron, head of bacon sandwiches at the Vegetarian Society, said: “I love pigs, they’re intelligent and sensitive, but these so-called ‘experts’ are deranged, neo-Nazi perverts.”

Wayne Hayes, bacon director at the Bacon Institute, said: “Bacon transforms men into incredibly sensitive and generous lovers and guarantees women the longest and most intense orgasms imaginable.”

Meanwhile, campaigners have issued a series of recommendations for health experts if they wish to avoid having an ‘accident’, including:

  • Leave bacon out of this
  • Shut up about bacon
  • We absolutely dare you to mention bacon again