Bill Roache had sex with same 1,000 women as Mick Hucknall

CORONATION Street actor Bill Roache and Simply Red frontman Mick Hucknall have bedded the same 1,000 women, it has been confirmed.

After comparing notes, the two Northern stars realised they shared an identical list of easily available women with absolutely no self-esteem.

Meeting in the bar of Manchester’s upmarket Lowry Hotel, the Thatcherite cardigan and the personification of ginger ticked off their conquests with a sense of increasing panic before falling into a sombre silence.

Roache said: “I was absolutely 100% sure I was irresistible. This has come as something of a shock.”

Hucknall added: “I was absolutely 100% sure I was irresistible. This has come as something of a shock.

“It will be a bit like opening a bottle of three week-old milk, but I really think we both need to compare notes with Paddy McGuinness. And, of course, Noel Edmonds.”

Helen Archer, from Salford, who has slept with both men, said: “I have a condition called ‘mediocraphilia’.

“I seek out and then debase myself with men who are just not good enough.”

She added: “Interestingly, both Roache and Hucknall gave me their addresses so that I could send them a thank-you card.”


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Premier league boss claims China stole egg foo yung from Sheffield

THE chairman of the premier league last night accused China of stealing great British recipes like egg foo yung and Szechuan chicken.

Sir Dave Richards insisted eggs were first mixed with foo and yung in Sheffield more than 1,500 years ago and then a ‘Chinaman hypnotised everybody and made off with the pot’.

He said: “And 70 years ago my Uncle Eric invented spaghetti, went to bed and woke up the next morning to find he had been kidnapped by Mussolini.”

Richards then stepped on a roller skate and went hurtling through a jam factory before crashing head-first into a wasps’ nest.

After washing off the jam and changing his clothes, he continued: “I haven’t been that angry since Germany stole my idea for a motorised car.

“That’s what they do the Germans, they steal your idea for something nice, like a Morris Marina or a Hillman Imp, and they turn it into a Mercedes Benz.”

Richards then stepped on a rake, spun round, walked into a lamppost, stumbled on to a tea trolley which then rolled down a hill, through a barn full of noisy chickens and finally came to a stop when his head became embedded in the rear end of a horse.

He added: “Pele’s from Huddersfield.”