Bodyguards Positioned Outside Jolie's Vagina

ANGELINA Jolie is expected to give birth to twins within hours after bodyguards took up positions outside her vagina.

Jolie and partner Brad Pitt have hired former US Navy Seals to stand guard at her private area and ensure the superstar babies are not harassed by members of the medical team.

Retired colonel Wayne Hayes, said: "We do not want the medical staff attempting to talk to the babies, we don't want them approaching or trying to touch the babies.

"There will be no autographs or photos, and unless you have the very highest code-word clearance, you will not even be allowed to look at the babies.

"The cervix will not dilate until we have given the all-clear. At that point, Team B will move into position, essentially establishing a 'wall of force' between the target and any possible threats.

"Once we are satisfied that Ms Jolie's vaginal area is secure, we will then form a 'tunnel of protection' to transport the target out of the birthing suite and into a Dodge mini-van."

He added: "A clean-up squad will remain at the facility, securing all cameras and cell phones, placing them in a bag and shooting them."

The couple, who have a daughter named Shiloh, are expected to continue the American Civil War battle theme and have drawn up a short-list of names including Gettysburg, Manasas, Chattanooga and Fort Sumter.

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Liverpool Celebrates Day Beatles Pissed Off To Surrey

LIVERPOOL yesterday marked the anniversary of the last full day the Beatles spent in the city before buying huge houses in Surrey. 

It was on 10 July, 1964 that the Beatles returned from their first US tour to a rapturous Merseyside welcome, before pleading with manager Brian Epstein to get them the hell out of there.

After an open-top bus tour of the city, John Lennon and Ringo Starr completed the purchase of two huge mock-Tudor houses in Weybridge, while George Harrison snapped up a luxury bungalow in Esher.

Paul McCartney, meanwhile, opted for a town house in St John's Wood, refusing to live in Surrey until he was allowed to buy all of it. 

The city's first Beatles Day featured 'Pacemaker' legend Gerry Marsden and a host of Liverpool rockers, all of whom were once brutally insulted by John Lennon.

Bill McKay, bass player with legendary skiffle band, The Whistling Kettles, said: "They were great days. John would come in, compare himself to Mozart and then call us a bunch of wankers. He was my best friend."

Billy Storm, lead singer of Billy Storm and the Umbrellas, added: "Paul was a lovely bloke too. He used to lend people money at a very reasonable rate of interest.

"But John had this special magic about him. Especially when he was shagging my girlfriend."