Britain salutes Queen by queuing

THE UK has honoured the late Queen Elizabeth with a magnificent display of the nation’s favourite activity, queuing. 

Grief-stricken Britons have come together to form massive lines shuffling silently into the night to enter a building and look at something then go home.

Queuer Susan Traherne said: “Since the moment I heard last Thursday, I’ve felt the overwhelming urge to stand behind my fellow countrymen in a row.

“The radio said there was a queue on and that it might last through the night and I was straight down here. I can’t tell you how healing it’s been. God bless her, she knew it was what we needed.

“None of us have talked to each other and nobody’s making it into a celebration of her life. When someone doesn’t move forward fast enough they’re tutted at. The most joyous thing you’ll see is a flask of tepid tea. It’s marvellous.

“I like to think Her Majesty is looking down on us as we snake through the small hours without complaint, nobody shoving or barging, and giving us an almost imperceptible smile of approval.”

She added: “I haven’t felt this proud to be British since the Boxing Day sale at Next.”

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How to draw a dick on a textbook: a guide for new pupils

SETTLING into the school term? Looking to really get your education started by drawing a big old dick in a physics textbook? Follow these steps: 


Only amateurs and year sevens choose a blank page. The skilled select, like Banksy, the perfect setting to juxtapose a biro sketch of a big, jizzing dick against. Any Biblical illustration, any portrait of William Gladstone, and if doing geography remember Norway and Sweden make a marvellous big droopy knob while Finland provides the nutsack.


Like Cro-Magnon man daubing a big Johnson on the walls of his cave, your first few drawings may be crude, lacking depth and detail. Keep going and you’ll undergo your own artistic renaissance, discover chiaroscuro, shading and three-point perspective, and by half-term your dicks will be anatomically precise apart from their ungodly size.


The history of cock-rendering always focuses on the phallus at its fullest. Nobody ever draws a flaccid penis or one that’s been in a cold shower, though you’d imagine Cezanne would make a good go of it. So why break with tradition? Accept that you’ll spend your education drawing dicks erect and proud.


When it comes to pubes, less is not more. More is more. Go full bush, a real jungle of wiry hairs, the base of the dick resembling a feral badger more than any kind of realistic sex organ. Have the pubes snaking all over the page too. Who cares about calculating the area of a trapezoid?


Finally, the crowning glory of your art: ejaculation. Here it’s not about realism but capturing the essence, the power, the motion. So sketch out a series of dotted lines emanating from the bellend like a machine-gun of spunk. The further the jizz goes across the page, the funnier it is.