THE ban on street brawling will be lifted temporarily for the royal wedding to allow celebratory fighting, it has been confirmed.
Pubs will also be open until 1am on the night of April 29, providing cheap, strong drinks to fuel a national outpouring of jubilant violence.
A Clarence House spokesman said: “Nothing is more emblematic of modern Britain than pints of nut brown ale and random acts of savagery, especially against strangers who happen to have a distinguishing feature, such as a hat.
“The union of our future king and his live-in girlfriend is a wonderful opportunity for his loyal subjects to visit their favourite vertical drinking establishment, probably on some sort of leisure estate sandwiched between a cajun restaurant and a massive craft shop.
“The wedding will be shown on a large, wipe-clean kevlar screen that they can throw things at.
“Then they will turn on each other in an orgy of festive blood lust never forgetting that viscera is this generation’s confetti.”
He added: “It’s going to be a wonderful day, whether you enjoy it in town or at home, hiding.”
Trainee plasterer, Wayne Hayes, said: “I’ll be treating it like a big
sporting event. I will pick a ‘side’, either William or Kate, for
entirely arbitrary reasons and then kick the fuck out of anyone who
disagrees with me.”
Architect Roy Hobbs insisted said: “These royal jamborees are an overhyped,
superficial distraction from the harsh realities of modern life.
“Which is why I’ll be down the Mason’s Arms, necking a load of vodka and going mental with a pool cue.”