Donald Trump thinks his hair and personality are good

BILLIONAIRE Donald Trump is fully satisfied with how his hairstyle and character have turned out.

When not offending Mexican people, buying hideous art or obsessing about golf, Trump admitted he spends a lot of time feeling happy and at peace with himself.

He said: “When I look at my hair, the balance between lustre, volume and manliness could not be more pleasing. It reeks of virility while conforming to all classical standards of beauty.

“And my hair is a good metaphor for my personality, which equally could not be improved.

“I never think ‘oh no I fucked up’, for the simple reason that I do not fuck up. That is partly why everyone likes me.”

Trump is currently working on some new material about the Finnish, one of the nations he has not yet picked on: “I guess I just don’t like their incredibly complex language and their wealth of scientific research papers.”

“Also I’m planning to have a go at Madagascar for its excessive vanilla production.”

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Busker instantly regrets playing one of his own songs

TOWN centre busker Tom Booker has abandoned one of his own songs halfway through.

In a departure from his usual set of rock classics from the sixties to the Britpop era, 32-year-old Booker began playing the self-penned Asteroids.

He said: “I wrote this one for my amazing girlfriend Becky, who’s in work at the minute.”

But upon singing the chorus for the second time, Booker realised that no money would be forthcoming and switched to Wonderwall by Oasis.

Shopper Roy Hobbs said: “He’s got a cracking wee voice. But no one wants to hear him singing some shite about his girlfriend when they’re on their way to work.

“You want to hear a good song.”

Booker said: “I’m sure my girlfriend would have thrown a couple of quid in the guitar case, if she were here.

“Though I did already borrow £2 off her this morning for the bus, so maybe not.”