BILLIONAIRE Donald Trump is fully satisfied with how his hairstyle and character have turned out.
When not offending Mexican people, buying hideous art or obsessing about golf, Trump admitted he spends a lot of time feeling happy and at peace with himself.
He said: “When I look at my hair, the balance between lustre, volume and manliness could not be more pleasing. It reeks of virility while conforming to all classical standards of beauty.
“And my hair is a good metaphor for my personality, which equally could not be improved.
“I never think ‘oh no I fucked up’, for the simple reason that I do not fuck up. That is partly why everyone likes me.”
Trump is currently working on some new material about the Finnish, one of the nations he has not yet picked on: “I guess I just don’t like their incredibly complex language and their wealth of scientific research papers.”
“Also I’m planning to have a go at Madagascar for its excessive vanilla production.”