Five contrarian storm sceptics who won't be sheltering from Eunice

STAYING indoors to avoid a dangerous storm is an idea most people will agree with. Here are five tiresome contrarians who will go out of their way to be different.

Laurence Fox

Actor turned professional moron Laurence Fox will argue that sheltering from 100mph winds is an unproven way of staying safe in a storm. Anyone cowering in their house will be the subject of his scorn as he arrogantly strides across the South West coast, until he gets whisked into the stratosphere never to be seen again. The celebrations will last a month.

Novak Djokovic

Flying in all the way from Serbia to make his point, tennis ace Djokovic will be detained at Newquay airport. After promptly getting deported he will explain that people should respect his right to expose his body to the worst storm in 30 years, before distancing himself from the ‘anti-sheltering movement’ as he’s belatedly realised they’re nuts.

Neil Oliver

You remember Neil Oliver – he was the hirsute presenter on Coast from 2005 to 2010. More recently he’s popped up on GB News to deliver rambling, nonsensical monologues on everything from Covid vaccines to Brexit. Expect a monotone diatribe claiming not making your kids play amid the falling branches is like putting them in solitary confinement.

A Mumsnet user

Mumsnet user RowlingIsRight (47) will turn Storm Eustice into yet another passive-aggressive game of one-upmanship as she drags her DD, DS and useless DH out for a bracing coastal walk. After all, children won’t remember a day stuck indoors watching TV, but a terrifying yomp through life-threatening gales will ‘make memories’ forever.

Your dad

Not one to be fooled by unelected so-called weather ‘experts’, your dad will instead get his advice from Talkradio and the more aggressive members of the BBC Question Time audience. Even when next door’s trampoline smashes through the living room window he’ll maintain that going for a stroll is safer than staying indoors.

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Four sensors, two cameras and too f**king big to park: Why modern cars are shit

HAVE you got a car you only use to nip into town with a dashboard that looks like it’s been designed by NASA? Here’s why modern cars are shit.

Parking sensors that won’t shut up

One of the main things your driving instructor teaches you is how not to drive into things like walls, other cars and people. Do you really need six different sensors shrieking at you when you get within a metre of another object? If you do, maybe you shouldn’t be driving at all as your spatial awareness is f**ked.

Headlights that can be seen from space

Now that all cars have LED lights, 90 per cent of any trip at night is spent being dazzled and the other 10 per cent raging about why any car needs lights so bright they can be seen from the f**king moon. Surely seeing enough to not crash into oncoming traffic would suffice?

Pointless reversing cameras

As humans, we are blessed with orbs of jelly in our faces called eyes, which allow us to see whether we’re about to reverse into a lamp post or not. All reversing cameras do is provide you with a confusing grainy image to peer at instead of looking over your shoulder. By the time you’ve figured out if that black blob is the neighbours’ cat, you’ve squished Oscar.

Too big for standard parking spaces

Does having an unnecessarily massive car make you feel like a character in Mad Max during the five-minute trip to Morrisons? That’s all well and good until you pull up next to another pointlessly big vehicle in the car park and neither of you can open your doors because you barely fit in the space.

They’re ugly as f**k

On top of everything else, the aesthetic style seems to be ‘mum drives the kids to school through an apocalyptic wasteland in a futuristic armoured car’. There’s enough room for the whole family, and the bumpers are big enough to mow down a legion of zombies if necessary.