Kate Middleton grows fringe to hide Dead Kennedys tattoo

THE Duchess of Cambridge has grown out her hair to hide the Dead Kennedys tattoo on her right temple. 

Kate has been a fan of the California hardcore band since her schooldays at Marlborough College, when her acapella performance of ‘Nazi Punks Fuck Off!’ at a recital apparently moved many parents to tears.

But the Royal Family are up in arms about Kate’s red-and-black facial tattoo, claiming that it is not befitting her role as mother of the future king and that she should have supported a British punk act like Crass.

Kate said: “I feel I have a duty to educate and lead the younger generation, just as Jello Biafra educated the punk generation about the repressive fascism of 1980s America in California Uber Alles.

“I did consider a Butthole Surfers tattoo, but they don’t have such a kickass logo.”

The tattoo is just the latest in the Royal family’s long list of body modifications, from Prince Albert’s penile piercing to the Duke of Edinburgh’s ACAB knuckle tattoos on his left hand, which is why he always appears gloved in public.

Aspirational young public school women across the country are already copying the Duchess, with body artists in the Home Counties reporting record demand for the logos of Minor Threat, the UK Subs and Black Flag.

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Middle class people launch feeble retaliatory piss-take

PEOPLE whose middle class lifestyles are easy targets for snide humour have attempted to turn the tables.

After years of merciless ribbing, the middle classes have retaliated against taunts about Pilates, pretentiously-named children and poncey food.  

Management consultant Martin Bishop said: “You mock our delicious fresh organic salads, locally-sourced meats and home-made pesto, but ‘Maccie Ds’ is vile unimaginative fodder with loads of hidden sugar and salt.

“It’s funny that you think health is such a laughing matter.”

Bishop’s wife Amanda said: “My daughter may be a precocious viola-playing horror called Lucie, but at least she’s not smoking cigarettes.

“And the way working class people talk is all like ‘They didn’t never have no pizzas at Freezerland’. It is called Freezerland, right?”

Working class person Wayne Hayes said: “Hahaha. Fuck off.”

Martin Bishop replied: “No, I will not ‘fuck off’.”